Should you find a minute, to pay your respects to a queen!
Please read and share….
Should you find a minute, to pay your respects to a queen!
Please read and share….
I wish more people would decline to give parenting advice. The stigma around the very presence of children is so telling! We see the annoyed looks on your faces and that twisted smile. There is nothing wrong with saying, ‘I can’t say because I’m not sure myself’. Saying, ‘my situation is a bit different’ is acceptable too. It’s perfectly fine to just keep quiet as well. It just gnaws at me when people who do not celebrate their children tell others not to have any. It physically pains me when people say ‘they ruin your life’. No, you ruined your own life with your choices and is now inflicting this irresponsibility on an innocent being. Do not tell people to not have kids because you don’t want any. Don’t speak against children knowing you want them but just haven’t found the right ‘situation’. I completely understand times where children are born into situations that end up changing. As a product of a single parent home, I know it’s extremely hard. Hats off to all of you! I’m referring to those who were told their partner doesn’t want children, lays bare to procreate then find themselves in a ‘rut’. I’m speaking to those who birthed a child out of a convenient relationship and is miserable with being grounded. Do not fix your mouth to tell people children are a nightmare, when you couldn’t control yourself long enough to use protection. I’m also referring to those who have multiple children, inflict all sorts of abuse on them and have the nerve to say they ‘messed up’.When I was pregnant and about to go off on mat leave, I had lunch with my manager and he blatantly told me he has no advice for me. I made a face naturally and he laughed and said seriously, ‘I’ have no advice for ‘YOU’. Of course, I called out his unfairness because he had recently become a father and could have imparted so much knowledge on me knowing what ‘this thing’ is going to be like. He was quite bemused with my pressing, as his statement was simple. Simple, but weighted. The only other thing he said was that I should do what’s best for my child and don’t listen to anyone. I shot him another side eye as his mother was a prominent figure in his child’s life. I let him have that one, as much as I wanted to know more.
When we had our son and came to grips with PARENTING a child, not babysitting or tolerating one, I got it. When I went back to work, we had lunch again. He was smiling from ear to ear and so was I this time. We talked about the antiquated ways of child-rearing and all that I had escaped by doing things our way. I trusted him and would have listened to his advice; this stranger to MY child. We learned about our child and we cared for and led him with our choices. Everyone was happy. When I told my cousin I hadn’t read any books she was in a rage and sent me title after title of all the popular stuff; we politely declined. Months later when I attempted to find a solution with a popular site I felt like the one thing I was looking for wasn’t there. The one word to connect my issues to a solution wasn’t there. Why? Nothing in parenting is cookie cut; it’s ever-changing. Every time I had posted my issues on mommy boards on Facebook, I was rewarded with comments filled with nuggets of gold. All ending with ‘THAT’S what worked for US’, MAYBE it will for you. A small side-eye there as I thought if it worked it worked, what’s the deal? The more we dealt with and overcame, the more I got it. How can someone else tell you what will work for you or your child when they have never met the child? When they are born, you the parent don’t know their ways and cannot bend them to follow someone else’s routine. In a room with 10 people, 10 of them will be different; kids are exactly the same. Here’s another thought, in a room with 10 people, 10 of them will be from a different situation. Same. There are no super parents and it is perfectly ok to hate being a parent. Be honest about your experience though. Decline to offer advice when you know your ‘situation’ comes with circumstances! Don’t tell people to not have kids when you have 4 with 4 partners and consider time with any of your children as babysitting. Do not have children with someone who does not want any and blame them for a failed relationship. For the love of God kids will not save your relationship, but pit you against each other and teach your children horrible relationships are acceptable. Finally, a single parent experience may seem to be 10 times worse than a 2 parent household, but unless both parents are involved, its one and the same!
I like to write about the things no one tells you about when you’re about to enter ‘baby world’. Yesterday I had a conversation with my cousin and we spoke about dealing with family issues when you’ve just had a child and how you have to ‘mind’ yourself. It was so refreshing to hear this come from someone I didn’t quite expect. I always thought my cousin was a bit weird, so to hear her speak about connecting to yourself and seeing about caring for yourself and a child in the midst of contention between family; it really pleased me. I am not close to my mother and have not spoken to her in over 5 years. My cousin became the black sheep when she got pregnant out of wedlock because she had an extremely devoted religious mother. I purposely set that precedence because we can all connect with the characteristics of religious people. Now, having a child is a very traumatic experience and in some cases a tragedy. Having no one to lean on when going through this event will harden you for life. You will be scarred and left empty. You will be resentful and dubious about everything you’re doing with your life. I can tell you that all you need to do for the sake of that innocent child is to mind your mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health. Every second of your day should be given to your child and you. You will need to concede and decide that this is your time and nothing or no one deserves to plaster my child’s life with any negativity. I cannot begin to even explain how much help is needed when you become a parent. There are no words to describe the cluster fuck of emotions and moments that you will go through in a very short time and you cannot ever not deal. There are no vacations or days off, this is a 24 hour ongoing job that you must do yourself, completely. Every second that you ‘donate’ to dealing with bullshit in your life, is a second your child has lost. This is a very expensive charge and you cannot lose a dime or else you will miss out on so much with your child. You cannot give anyone not being positive and contributing to your life a single second. Entertaining drama, arguments and fights with someone who has nothing but discord in their heart for you is so toxic. Hold on to your mental health, free mind and clarity with a tight grip. I had my own squabbles with other members of my family when my son was born, absolutely no one came around. This was however my decision but it was not hers; we both had the same approach. This just goes to show that there is no other way. We became a solid rock of 3, no one else and we loved how close knit we are all growing to be. Plus, I could afford to never once make a fit about it because we knew our child was worth so much more. We were already so deadbeat, every time we had, had to be his. We became hermits; we became secluded and closed off and cold to some. People looking in never saw anything but a smiling happy baby. We taught our child happiness, joy, laughter and love before he was ever exposed to any kind of sadness. Some aren’t that lucky, and even entertain ideas that they made a mistake keeping and having their child. This is very easy to say and should be banished from all thought. A child is never a mistake, or an unfortunate event. Look at your child and promise them all of you, build a circle of positive ongoing support and eliminate all pressures. Do nothing more than savor, enjoy and revel as much as you can about being the best honest mother you can be. ‘Mind yourself’
This father’s day compelled me to write, even though it isn’t my day. I am so filled with love today. So enamored by the wonderful examples of fathers I keep around me and my family. There is so much fucking respect given to so many young men I know that are there, doing the most and just being overly obnoxious because they are just so damn proud of their kids. I learned a long time ago to let a man be a man, and when fatherhood became a part of our life ‘work’, I did step back and let my husband be a dad. There were many times my heart leaped in my throat and I wanted to blast him off to the nether regions, but I held my tongue and let him be. Well, my, how he has blossomed. He is a full-fledged hands on dad and I am so grateful for him. My son has taught him so much about being unselfish and patience and about the importance of time and spending it wisely that I marvel at the man I married even more.
There have been so many events,
invitations extended, plans made and opportunities to engage in treachery and every time, he chose his family. Often touting, if his son cannot be present he will not go anywhere! I have taken some of his free passes for myself when I needed a breather.
It felt so good to wake up beside both boys today and the face he made when I presented him with a home-made gift of our sons footprints and his scribbles, told me he was in love. The thought of being someone’s father comes easily, the action quite fool-proof but the reality and magnitude of the task, once acted on is definitely merits an applause. I salute my husband today, and all the good fathers out there.
I wish so many a Happy Father’s Day knowing personally their positions in their children’s lives. Knowing personally how great it would have been to have a father growing up. Knowing personally how much I’ve worked on myself to not come in the way and to ensure that my son will know a fathers love. I have, sat by the window waiting for a man that never came, wanting so much to be accepted as a good child by my father. He has, been heartbroken and left confused, wondering why he was responsible for his own fathers shortfalls. Yet, despite the past, here we are, thriving. I am so thrilled that my son will never wait for his own father to choose him and be there because he, without question, my husband lives for this beautiful light in our lives. Thank you, we love you. A very happy Father’s day to you ‘Am’!
I recently completed research for an Ethics course and had selected the Nestle Infant Formula Scandal as my case. This is the brand of formula we use for my son and I had my own nightmares dealing with hospital staff regarding breastfeeding and formula. Still, as I read on, it boggled my mind how many people are so sure to blast the company for so much. Yes, their marketing and promotional tactics were wrong. Yes they deserve a lot of the beatings they are receiving. Yes, they were highly unethical in the way represented themselves to new mothers. Yes, they should not have done it and yes, they are a multi-billion dollar company and didn’t need to. Finally, yes, I know that infants died because of their actions. However they are the only ones being made an example, when there are other companies that were doing the same thing! Also, and to be fair, making bottles with unsterilized water and bottles is what made the infants get sick. No, I am not on their side. I am on the infants side!
Let me ask you this though, what did your parents, parents, parents, parents feed their children? Breastmilk, right? Why didn’t a lot of these mothers make this call for their infants? What was traditional was free. Why didn’t doctors, health care officials and advocates stand up to Nestle shameless plugs. Why were they allowed to run rampant in hospitals? Even that, you’ve just given birth and a sales representative is in your face touting formula. Where was the support from the healthcare officials, from family, you know those who have been there and done that. Where were the breastfeeding pushers and thumb raisers? In all my research advocate groups raised up after the fact. As much as they were told about formula, given samples and support for using the product, there could have been the same diligence made to ensure the need to breastfeed trumped the decision to use formula. I kept reading waiting to hear who stepped in first and there is limited information on who did. Why aren’t advocates given any praise for their work in breastfeeding? Who is advocating? This outcry started in the 70s with a request to boycott the company. Why did it need to hit the media for change to happen? Why wasn’t it that advocates challenging Nestle and overruled their dominance was what was reported? Who stood for these mothers and worked for them? We are being asked to stand against the company, but who stood for the babies?
There is one doctor in India who is celebrated because he did not give in to formula companies. The outcry is because those affected by the effects of poor bottling were from developing countries. Now, who has more natural herbal remedies than developing countries? I understand that some women who were malnourished themselves, those who had issues (it was reported that at least 1% of women cannot breast feed) and those who were caregivers needed formula. Now don’t get me wrong, formula is an amazing product, it saved our lives. The issue I am having is with those who couldn’t afford it that were using it when they could breastfeed. Why was formula an option for these infants? Breastfeeding is an emotional, personal choice, but it becomes second nature when your infant constantly gets ill and formula is to blame. I just don’t understand why wasn’t formula taboo in some of these cases/regions/countries wasn’t. In my own breast feeding struggles, a friend of mine constantly told me of a bush her grandmother said I could use but we couldn’t get the bush here. Women who lived off the land had resources, nature is our best medicine! I am just one example, but I imagine there were traditional medicines that could have assisted those who needed to breastfeed more.
Now, urbanization and the need to go back to work and leave your baby is a case I understand. I would have loved to hear or have read that women were doing both breast feeding and formula feeding their infants. I just find it hard to accept that these mothers didn’t give their children a chance and that they willingly gave up their natural rights. I have had my struggles with breastfeeding and infant formula, but I never once chose one over the other. I don’t understand, but who was there to tell those mothers ’You better put that child on the tit!’? Maybe I’m crazy, but how can you feast on sugar then blame sugar companies when you get diabetes?
A FAIR version of this issue can be found here: http://www.nytimes.com/1981/12/06/magazine/the-controversy-over-infant-formula.html?pagewanted=all
There are so many things about being a parent that no one tells you! So many important facts that isn’t made known or expressed or perhaps there isn’t a community. Worse, perhaps there is a shame brought to mothers who speak up about certain things. In my life, parenting seemed like either it was a bother or it was the worse things that can happen to your life. I didn’t get that and still don’t know that now that I am a mother. I know what stinks. Seeing your child who can’t speak clearly writhing in pain. Seeing him scream and cry and whimper and those little lips tremble at how bad something hurts and not being able to understand or get an account of what is working and what isn’t. Oh the tears!!
Yesterday I got one of those calls all mothers dread, your caregiver not just texting about something but making a direct phone call to say baby is not well. Just seeing the name flash across my screen killed me and I answered barely making it through what she was saying and getting straight to ‘Is my baby ok?’. He had been crying uncontrollably for a while and he seems to be in pain. A million things could be wrong, but here is the worse part. I could hear a baby crying in the background and I asked if that was him and she said yes, at this point I broke down because I didn’t recognize my own child’s cry. He was in so much pain, I’ve never heard him cry this way before. My mommy senses were blown out of the
water and I couldn’t make one single suggestion to soother my baby because this was too new. Here’s the part that drove me crazy. I know my strength and when it comes to my son, I know I am powerless when he isn’t well, so I decided to pick up daddy first, then go to see baby. A 40 minute delay to comforting my child. Most people would have gone straight to him, but I couldn’t do that to his father as he would have been left stranded and his father is also his favorite person and was almost always able to make him world 1000% better. Finally, once I used the little strength and concentration I had left to drive to daddy’s place of work, I was done.
I couldn’t think straight and was scared. I was beginning to get irritable and be increasingly annoying and demanding as we bobbed and weaved through the evening traffic. Things got worse when I was told to calm down! I became a dragon and snapped, my reply burned and there was silence in the car for a while. Then we both diverted our frustrations to the traffic and what felt like the longest car ride in life. I’ve never heard him cry like that, what the fuck could be wrong with him?! When we got there I didn’t know whether to sit or stand. Two other mothers were there and even though they were suggesting that I breastfeed him, I couldn’t process that I needed to stick a tit in his mouth right in that moment. He was sleeping and I just kept watching him, looking for a sign. He woke up at the sound of his father’s voice and I wanted him to smile with me and let me know he was just being fussy and maybe things weren’t so bad and his just missed his papa. He could hardly stop crying long enough to keep his eyes open, as he was so exhausted. He refused the boob. Something is definitely wrong. We made our way home as safe as we could with me behind the wheel and daddy holding his hand. At home, he finally nursed for a bit then passed horrible, horrible gas and while he slept on me for a bit he just couldn’t settle. No matter how much his father tried, he still couldn’t settle. I cried in private but was found weary by his father, exasperated by my tears. That’s when I snapped again and said he’s getting fixed right now, were going to emergency.
My baby had horrible stomach pains. My heart was crushed. I failed him and dad couldn’t save either of us. I felt a pang of guilt because I am known for having gastrointestinal issues myself, so having a bad belly could have come from me and the pain is NO JOKE! He was refusing a bottle but he was steadily passing gas. While at emerg he started to come around, by the time the doctor saw him, he was back to his old self. They tested his urine anyway and sent us on our way. He fell asleep on the car ride home and slept soundly for a good while. I was so marred though, I couldn’t keep it together. I didn’t know seeing my child hurt would be like this. I couldn’t catch a mental break. It’s very bad to think how many mothers suffer in silence. It’s very hard to explain what I felt in my heart and how trapped I felt in my mind. How weak I felt in the moment and how little I could do to help him. I have heard mothers say I’d rather not go back there in reference to their children having ailments, but I never quite grasped why. It’s either you’ve experienced it to know; otherwise you will underestimate the effect. I felt like I suffered a personal loss of life. He cannot talk so we understand, we have to guess and he is so shocked at this himself, we are making no progress. I felt stupid thinking how I felt so heavily burdened over gas! What will I do when those grey days come my way? How will I cope?…. I did not know being a mom was like this. It is sincerely a world of worry wearing us away as we whittle their little lives. Will I survive?
I saw a comment on a picture posted on a popular Instagram account and it said “You got a body only a baby daddy could love” and it brought me back to my own ordeals. The gag is that this woman wasn’t asking to be loved, she already had that and more. People just always have to project the world as they see it on you; no matter how ignorant. It is as if they believe you need them and THEIR standards.
This is a flashback post written June 22, 2014….
At two weeks after I had my child, someone asked me why do I still look pregnant. Precisely, ‘why do I look like I still have a baby in my belly’. I said wtf and moved on. This was a man, who had limited social graces and was known for being inappropriate. At 8 weeks post-partum, I had a mother tell me I needed to visit the things that made people lose weight. To this I replied that she should back all the way up as I just had a kid and not to comment about my body especially when she isn’t a size 2. I told her that she is rude and whether or not I want a summer body is my business and I’ll get it on my time when I’m ready, I further said that as a mother she was disgusting and that she should respect my journey. I further stated, that not that I owed her an explanation but that I am not cleared to work out/go to the gym and when I am, I will still be going when I’m ready, not when it’s pleasing to her eyes. So maybe next time she should think twice before making a comment like that.
I kind of feel like my response (this was on Instagram!) was a bit harsh and I maybe should have taken the high road BUT I felt so embarrassed because my husband is the one that brought my attention to the comment (I would have just deleted it if I saw it first but I felt the need to defend myself)! I haven’t even had my pp checkup yet (this week), but I already had my insecurities with my new body! I won’t apologize for having a child and I really really wanted to punch her in the face ;-( She ruined my entire night after an amazing Father’s Day;-( I’m not mentally prepared for these comments which is why i wasn’t posting my body much but today I was in good spirits and was now so upset I had that feeling snatched away from me!! I feel ashamed to discuss it with my hubby as I don’t want the ‘don’t want to make you cry so I’ll just be diplomatic’ answer, especially since I have turned into a major ‘cryer’ for real! However, I felt so drained. I was just getting the hang of having to take care of an infant and wanted just a little credit for just keeping the kid alive.
This is the drawback to sharing your pictures on social media. People think your life is now fair game for them to say whatever is on their mind, not realizing how much they are showing themselves up. All my followers will see your comments and every one that looks at and shares whatever I post. You don’t want to be the ‘nasty’ troll. You don’t want to be left bare, showing just how disgusting a person you are. Filter yourself and if it isn’t constructive; leave it alone.
Personally, I have been having a hard time with how much people have inserted themselves in my life and just how much their words have an effect on me. I would usually be the one to take the high road or laugh an uncomfortable comment off, but I have completely lost it. We have been doing it all on our own, with a minimum amount of visitors and keeping our circle uber small; so things can get trying and judgement is definitely not what we need. In a time like this where there is so much to do, learn, get used to and accept as things change constantly; thinking about my weight was not very high on the list. It, however, was always in the back of my mind, naturally I watched for strange faces when my husband looked at my body and I ask obscure questions about my ‘new look’ to see where his head space was and if I was still acceptable. My hands were tied with how much I could do for myself at 2 months post- partum, but I never beat myself up about it, even though it hung in the balance. Yes, I know I did something amazing by bringing a life into this world but being embarrassed for that is not to be tolerated.
Tips for Saving Money, Organizing, and Decorating Your Home
Wellness, Support and Mindset
a blog that combines food & poetry mixed with vlogging
Celebrating food and all the joy that comes from creating and eating it.
If You Can Dream It, You Can Achieve It | Lifestyle, Beauty, Traveling, Wellness
Because it is all about sharing moments and creating memories
Food, Design and Random musings
The Art of Understated Chaos