*Flashback Post*-November 3rd, 2013

I remember those days,

Timeless moments nothing could intercept,

Living for each moment, not thinking we had much time left,

Hours ran into days, ran into months into pains,

 

I remember those days,

Each day awoken with a smile,

Loving each second, each embrace,

Tethered by our souls, moving by grace,

 

I remember those days,

Time flew around us, yet our gaze stood still,

Time flew around us, but our traces lingered on each others skin,

Careless spirits, moving us through,

 

I remember those days,

Nothing ever mattered, nothing was our everything,

Talks that extended past wee hours,

No interests in seeing anything but each other

 

I remember those days,

Shamelessly submissive to your every word,

Fed from your words and your releases,

Full from all you embody and all you do,

 

I remember those days,

Falling into your arms was the single point I looked forward to in my days

Even just in candle light you seemed so great,

Naked and bare I still saw you as Adonis type gold

My every fibre focused on willing your eyes to just me

 

I remember those days,

If my tears would fall, so would yours too,

I’d be felt and heard and made to feel silly because you were there,

We were one being of burning heat and hope and love

We were open, our basic selves, feeding each others strengths

 

I remember those days,

Fingers tracing lightly on skin,

Tip toeing, stealing kisses, sneaking in,

Soft touches calls flutters in,

a glow and a constant happiness;grins

 

I remember those days

I ain’t felt that way in years.

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*Flashback post*-Dec. 29th 2013

It is what’s in your soul that will be the only thing that will carry you through,

When faced with adversity, when your pureness has been compromised,

Fly, fly on…..just keep swimming, it’s not the end,

 

When you gave of yourself and received naught,

It is not the end for you, your kindness has not met defeat,

It has instead met tests for a stronger self, don’t forget.

 

Fly, carry on as you are,

Don’t change when met with grunge, debris and a witless heart,

You have done no ill in being kind, extending a hand and trying to change the times,

Never change because you’re hurt, be yourself someone will see your worth.

 

Never beat yourself up. Never expect a beast to give you a rose.

You introduced your naked soul and were rebuffed.

Life goes on, no matter how tough.

 

When the dust settles it will be clear,

You made a clearing in a dark place,

You loved the unloved.

Estranged….

I recently had an ordeal that left me a bit confused at the nerve of some people. My mother accidentally met my son for the first time in his entire life last week. My son is about to be 2yrs old. While it was brief (thank God), she managed to get my husband to agree to meeting up so that he could collect gifts her side of the family had for our son. The meeting went down and I carefully donated all gifts to the Make-A-Wish donation. I could have just thrown them away. What struck a chord with me is the fact that she labelled the gift bag as being from ‘Nana’ and put ‘Grandpa’ before her husband’s name. My uncle had let me know that he had left things there for my son but they didn’t even have the common decency to add his name.  I was grateful for the fact that my son is young and couldn’t attach himself to the thought of who these people he met randomly at a clinic is to him. I was so annoyed, because I grew up attached to someone with a title that refused to have a hand in raising me. As neither my husband or I have a relationship with the gift givers, their audacity boggled my mind. It reminded me very much about people who boosts about relationships that don’t exist, ie. delinquent fathers and their estranged children. Where do people get the nerve to cast themselves in positions that clearly was never bestowed on them? Positions that they clearly have contributed zero effort towards. Further calling themselves monikers that are used so affectionately by people worldwide. I felt a bit of embarrassment for them, because we all know they are anything but. I was even more annoyed knowing this was something which would be bragged about from their end. I wish people would be more honest with themselves and not be so hung up on an image. As basic as it sounds, you are by no means grandparents to my child; you’re merely related. I strongly believe in titles and how we represent ourselves to a child. This is generally how trust develops and primarily why I was most annoyed. We all teach our children about strangers and counter that family and friends are people we can trust, who are ‘safe’. There was no way I could attach these titles to people that aren’t in my sons life. Furthermore, you don’t get to call yourself such names and treat him any old way. Further confusing him and leaving him open to so many questions. Children have a very odd way of feeling emptiness and asking about people that should be around that aren’t. Especially when they see these relationships around them. Their love is very pure, and based on your relation to them, they will either love you or not. I’m definitely not ready to introduce my child to what a broken relationship is. I’ve seen the effects and will kindly bow out of that mountain. As a stretch, as his parent, our permission to associate with my child a certain way should be given prior. Especially when it comes to people who have problem filling children with fallacies about all manner of things. Trust that there is a special kind of hell for people who try to control and turn a child’s mind. I don’t believe assuming a role that isn’t yours is healthy, for anyone involved. When my son met his paternal grandfather he was introduced to him as his name and said who he is. He was called by his name because in his life there hasn’t been that relationship. I believe in calling a spade a spade when it comes to letting people in. I refuse to teach my child it is ok to hold on to mediocre relationships. I simply refuse to teach him to be a doormat for someone just because of their title. Most importantly, that not everyone related to you deserves to be loved by you. *deep sigh*

It’s a disservice to think your children aren’t already living and building relationships with people. Trust that only the best people should be allowed to grace their presence; they don’t need early encounters with the cold world…

Back to life….

I’ve been down a lot lately about many things. I think my hubby sensed this also which I don’t usuallyimg_20161105_121215092
like, as it’s added pressure. As such, I purposely remain mum so as to not overwhelm anyone but things have been heavy because I feel like time is catching up on us. None the less, I put on a brave face and go out there and do my best.

edit

Yuminess that I shared with everyone!

Today, I was sitting at work chatting it up with a co-worker about life and goals and where we want to see ourselves. In my mind I drifted back to a time when I drew and wrote poetry, randomness, everything that was going on in my life. I loved the artsy side I had and even attempted to take classes this Fall to build on that but life caught up with me. I thought about myself then and now and while somethings I am grateful has changed, some things I love that they remained the same. Mid convo I got a call for a delivery and I just couldn’t contain my smile. Here I was being in the dumps over uncontrollable things and there was so much love around me. I sat staring at my arrangement for a while because it also took me back to the early years of marriage when I would randomly get these gifts; just because. How fitting. Love remains constant and appreciation has grown leaps and bounds and I will always try to never forget that. While this affected my ability to concentrate for the rest of the day, I couldn’t help but think how perfect this was

It was the jolt I needed to focus on the positive things in my life and I am so so grateful!! I felt so girly and appreciated, so many butterflies in my stomach! I immediately I positioned myself as Ariel in the boat during Sebastian’s chorus of ‘Kiss The Girl’. Very random I know, but that’s the love I felt all over again. I just wanted to leap into my husbands arms and smack him with a big wet one! Honestly…

If a video could speak for me this would be it…percussions…strings…wind…words!….

 

 

Well played. Universe. Well played….