Memories making me measure myself…

I wish you were here to meet my son. My father never needed to deny or not take care of me because my photo was permanently affixed on your dresser. Every time you looked in the mirror I was there. You acknowledged me. I wish I could talk to you so many times. Just to fill in the blanks in my life and understand me. My burdens are so heavy sometimes. My worries are circulating with no end and the pressures of life are seething into each other. I miss you so much on many days and get angry when my memories of you start fading. When little details are no longer clear it breaks my heart. You loved all of your family and I’m so glad you taught me that. Everyone that came your way was taken care of. Your palms were always open. In my weakest moments your memories are always there. When time brace against my responsibilities and I am just one woman against the world I feel you behind me. Every fall I take I scream at the audacity of the dips trying to keep me low knowing I have fighter blood in me. Today I cried because I couldn’t remember your face. It felt like the ultimate betrayal. The things that come with aging in life doesn’t discriminate. It was like you were forgotten and dashed. How scary it felt I didn’t dare utter but was sure to dig deep into my life and there you were coming back to me. Coming into a clearing. A love like yours was never again graced and though I aim to be like you, my ego knows I’m no measure. I need the conversations of an older woman I can trust. The ties that bind that makes you never ever to leave me. The woman that can tell me the history of my lineage and clear up why things are or will be. That female bond that binds in times that men cannot understand exist. The older, experienced wisdom that nurtures and soothes. I need access to your blueprint to mothering; it’s so bloody hard! I miss you so much and need the strength of you by my side but I get up; still. I try to move mountains with what feels like a pencil and use the rubber to remove the unnecessary figures from my life. Never forgetting what life with you was like and aspiring to that joy in my childhood life. You made the best roti I have ever had in life. I loved our supermarket trips. The hot patty lunches. I was so horrible to you when you tried to control me, not knowing better; I’m sorry. I wish you were here still grandmother; to just be.

 

….’As a child, there were them times I didn’t get it, but you kept me in line’…’All them grown folk things, separation brings, You never let me know it, you never let it show, Because you loved me enormously’…’And you never got a chance to see, How good I’ve done’…’I wish that you was here to celebrate together, I wish that we can spend the holidays together’ …’I thought you were so strong, You make it through whatever, It’s so hard to accept the fact you gone forever’….

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Gratitude….

I can’t count how many times I’ve cried since I’ve become a mother. It has to be an enormous gigantic number of times though.  Nonetheless, today I shed tears for the end of a chapter. A safe chapter. A chapter that never once made me fear for my sons’ life or the unknown. Especially after my cousins’ son almost lost a thumb at his daycare! My son is out of daycare and is going to school full-time. We are so grateful for the school community that’s been going well so far but we still brace for the impact of what might occur. With this came the need to stop sending my son to daycare, an uber safe space we all enjoyed for the past 3 years. Safe people and spaces are extremely uncommon when it comes to children. The most seemingly harmless of souls will disappoint you. My sons care has primarily been just his parents, no grandparents or relatives played a major role in care, mainly due to distance. Our daycare coordinator was phenomenal though. We all genuinely love her and have been so grateful for how well she took care of our son. She really became a grandmother to him and would guide us with a light touch. When we had emergencies, we called her first and she would always say ‘bring him come’. People complain so much about the cost of daycare without perspective. Fuck the money. None of it met her value. Especially when I had to dart to work, school or to handle family issues and she made herself available. When he was hospitalized one Christmas our first stop when we left the hospital was at her home so that she could see him. When my ‘naturalista’ mommy ways consumed me she went along with every extreme request and never once complained. Every time he was sick he was loved on more and was fed home made soup and given lots of tea.

She always checked in on me and Tam and sent us pics and vids of him throughout the day. She quelled our busy minds without us even asking. Always pleasant and ready to take him, no matter how late the request. A part of me screams at how unfair it is that she can’t live with us or be around all the time. Or just be his teacher. Or adopt him and we visit. Or just go to school with him everyday. Crazy, I know. You just can’t forge a bond like that. It was a wicked click of worlds that held together in raising a sweet lil boy. He dotes on her and her entire family. As a new parent with limited span and a small circle, most of whom live far away, she was our source. She was pivotal in jump starting and getting through stages from eating solids to language development to manners to potty training. I feel so tremendously blessed that we escaped common daycare complaints and had such a beautiful, safe, nurturing support. Whenever we were unsure she was there to say lets try xyz. Which was her way of knowing what baby needed and just doing it and fixing things. I read the other day that most parents know what they’re doing; maybe but this would be excluding us. So we are extremely washed with sadness but so grateful and happy she was in his life during the crucial years. Angels are on earth, and when you encounter them you will know. The innocence and nurturing of your child is not a game and when someone respects and understand that its so amazing.

 

 

Missin’ u…

You know the hardest part about being a parent?  Not being able to keep your child with you 24/7s or be able to see them in a moment when you need to. It’s true, mothers can just look at their children and know when nothing in their world is right. When mothers are down, their children often pull them out of their funk. It’s an instant mood elevator to see the face of your babe. Their smiles, laughter and general silliness wakes your soul to look ahead. Even if you’re wondering just what the fuck they’re doing. As a working mother, this has been my gripe for days on end. If you didn’t think your mind was powerful, you can literally think your way into a major tragedy that puts your heart in a bind. You will literally hyperventilate at the thought that a predator might be eating your baby alive. Only to find out all is actually well and there is not a single need to panic. Children will teach you so much about yourself and your body. They will literally call your bluff when you’re voicing something different. The way you miss them makes you ache and seeing them lifts you high.

I used to think it was ridiculous when people would say ‘I just couldn’t leave my baby’. ‘What could be so great about them?’, I would think. Then I had my son and I got it. It 100% rips my heart out when I have to leave him. I literally want to fight myself for not being further ahead in life or better accomplished so that I could afford life at home with my son. Creatives that take the non-traditional route so that they can be home are goals to me. I want to scream every time I have a horrible thought or a bad piece of news cross my path and I can’t hold his hand or glance at what mischief he’s getting into. They are so pure, and give so much all the time. Children give you 100% of what you give to them. They have no filter and are the most genuine human beings you will ever encounter. They teach you how to live, question life and wonder about things that you’ve never thought of before. It is also why you can almost immediately tell when an adult wasn’t nurtured by love but raised to exist. They’re like green limp flowers, misunderstood and out of reason. In each stage, the babes give us life, whether we want it or not. I I could define it, the sound of my soul…is the laughter of children the world over….

Outwitting The Devil….pt. 1

I didn’t seek therapy when I should have…

This was from advice that I can now assume was made based on fear. Now, when I find myself out of clarity, not able to focus; I reflect on my choices. This instantly plunges me into a depressive state. I used music in the past to help with my moods, but it hasn’t been enough to quiet my mind. This week has been a dragging for me and I find  myself not being able to focus a lot. I keep searching for enough to do to exhaust me, I keep busying myself with list on top of lists on top of lists.

Upon referral, I purchased and started reading ‘Outwitting The Devil’ by Napoleon Hill. The very first chapter made me want to burst into tears. ‘If you wish to be of enduring service, not only to those now living, but to posterity as well, you can do so if you will take the time to organize all of the causes of failure as well as all of the causes of success’. Further, as I quote, ‘My experience has taught me that a man is never quite so near success as when that which he calls ‘failure’ has overtaken him, for it is on occasions of this sort that he is forced to think….if he thinks accurately and with persistence, he discovers that so-called failure usually is nothing more than a signal to re-arm himself with a new plan or purpose.“

At my lowest, I learned to be extremely calculating and present. I most importantly learned how life can be at a minimum. What is important and what is definitely a luxury. At my lowest I saw myself as my own salve, needing to pull back the covers and emerge as a viable, productive member of society. There was a major failure under my belt, but with this came a start to completing my degree, re-employment at my favourite place in the world and a school opportunity for my son. While my grades suffer a bit due to working, I can’t afford to quit and not be able to pay my school fee or my son’s. Either way, at my lowest or at my biggest ‘failure’, I was forced out of my own way.

‘Men are forced to change their habits and to think their way out of difficulty.’…’I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.’….

Where are you going?

I recently met someone that dreams BIG. I mean really huge; but realistically. They also share openly. It is always your call whether you want to laugh or not, but they are not phased. I say this because people either fear or mock what they themselves can’t comprehend. Growing up I was taught the opposite. Don’t talk about what you want to do in life, move in silence. This hails from lack of trust in people around you but also centuries of a ‘crab in a barrel’ mentality. It is so interesting to see to someone be bare and to listen to how fluidly they express and share these HUGE things they would like to do.

I don’t know their background and I don’t ask if they were well off growing up. Grandiose wishes are usually left to the well endowed. I intentionally don’t pry because I find that people sometimes asks you questions to find the excuse that appeases their insecurities. Like ‘oh you grew up rich’ ‘oh you didn’t have a dad’ or my personal favourite ‘oh you wouldn’t understand my life’ and ‘I just have too many xyz’s right NOW’. So many excuses not even a plan to fail is designed; much less a thought to do something. To move and rise above the mundane. Every conversation about the future leaves me so full! Slightly amazed at how free this person’s thinking is and extremely motivated to do all I need to get mine.

In this present day we need dreamers and achievers around us. Its still odd getting so much done in this lifetime, but their willingness to move their feet, inspires me. The greatest part is that it’s all very doable. All touchable with a single application or step. None of it is outlandish and abstract or super unique. Just the raw, naked, openness of it all held me for awhile. How often is it that we meet people so pure, nothing can dampen their will to live and be great? I had a selfish moment and said I know you won’t be around for too long. They responded with a smile and asked why, wouldn’t I, maybe for a bit? I found myself needing that hit. Modesty at best, as there is so much in the world to gain. When someone drives you to do better, you do.

I looked within myself and wondered, do you even dream anymore?….