I love observing immigrants. It is my weird thing. I just love their take on culture shock and seeing how they cope. They move with such caution, light footed. Their choices are so tied to so many things. It is almost a burden. We are so lucky to be in a country were compassion is natural response. As much as coming to this country was scary and had difficult moments surrounding navigating the systems in place; I cannot say migrating has been something to regret. I blame that solely on how I assimilated. Also, the birth of a Canadian-born child. You see, if you moved here with children from another country, they will be subdued and burdened with things a child shouldn’t. When you have a child in the country you migrated to, they almost seem to cruise through life. We find ourselves shaking our head at the simplicity and ease of my son’s life. This caused me to compare the resolve within that never truly let’s us settle. This isn’t our home, but it is his. He will never have to learn to assimilate and will naturally thrive in certain situations. This will be worse, once he goes through the various systems that span his life cycle. No internal battle to attach himself to Canadian ways or to hold on to his ‘first culture’. A lot of immigrants become so stuck in their ‘first culture’, they refuse to adapt to the ways of their new world. Irresponsibly imparting certain views in a tolerant environment. Carelessly handling themselves in a way that makes them think their ‘first culture’ is an excuse. Recklessly throwing away all the sacrifices and investments made to pave the way. I say all this to say, assimilation is so important.
A lot of people think to leave their home country for a better life, but never check the culture of where they’re going. What is common place in the corporate world? How loose or strict are certain industries (of interest)? Something as simple as understanding what a ‘scent free’ environment is, knowing a sharp fragrance is a part of being fully dressed. You will have to go back to school. Period. Even to do a ‘small’ course. Are you open to learning and formal education again? Are you ok with ‘play-based’ learning for your children? The concept of free public schools may be new and seem like a relief, but can you accept limited say in your child’s education? If religious, how would you navigate the LGBT curricula that is taught in public schools? How would you handle private school tuition, knowing as an immigrant you won’t necessarily get a high-paying job right away? It is imperative to consider residences and learn about surrounding communities. Child-rearing will fall heavily on parents and a daycare provider. Are you keen on the cost both financially and mentally to get an older relative to come and help instill your values and morals? Are you prepared to leave your children for hours with someone who looks nothing like you? Are you aware of the political practices where you’re going? Is there civil conflict, uprisings or mistreatment of those marginalized? What are their considerations around health and healthcare? What do their people look like? No, really, intersectionality creates clusters of people and what they look like is very important. Where is your community located and what are their social stats? What about social programs and views on community support? Who gets respect? Will your qualifications mean anything? Can you promise yourself that you will seek to manage your mental health when faced with coercion from societal pressure? Are you racist and known to discriminate? There is also more interracial dating because the culture of those who grow up or is born here is wholly Canadian with references to their parents’ culture. They do not live by their parents’ culture with reference to Canadian mores, no matter how much parents speak their language, take their kids to visit ‘back home’ or inundate them with stories of past times. Can you accept interracial relationships? Can you child marry who they please? Are you a person that will experience a language barrier? This will affect how far you get ahead in the corporate world, so can you learn a new language at your age? Immigrant health is known to decline over the years, what is your coping plan? What will you do when you are homesick? Do you laugh a lot and often, or know how to at all? You will have so many moments when you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I say all this to say, research and prepare yourself so that you can assimilate, as this is non-negotiable when it comes to survival.
I wish more people would decline to give parenting advice. The stigma around the very presence of children is so telling! We see the annoyed looks on your faces and that twisted smile. There is nothing wrong with saying, ‘I can’t say because I’m not sure myself’. Saying, ‘my situation is a bit different’ is acceptable too. It’s perfectly fine to just keep quiet as well. It just gnaws at me when people who do not celebrate their children tell others not to have any. It physically pains me when people say ‘they ruin your life’. No, you ruined your own life with your choices and is now inflicting this irresponsibility on an innocent being. Do not tell people to not have kids because you don’t want any. Don’t speak against children knowing you want them but just haven’t found the right ‘situation’. I completely understand times where children are born into situations that end up changing. As a product of a single parent home, I know it’s extremely hard. Hats off to all of you! I’m referring to those who were told their partner doesn’t want children, lays bare to procreate then find themselves in a ‘rut’. I’m speaking to those who birthed a child out of a convenient relationship and is miserable with being grounded. Do not fix your mouth to tell people children are a nightmare, when you couldn’t control yourself long enough to use protection. I’m also referring to those who have multiple children, inflict all sorts of abuse on them and have the nerve to say they ‘messed up’.When I was pregnant and about to go off on mat leave, I had lunch with my manager and he blatantly told me he has no advice for me. I made a face naturally and he laughed and said seriously, ‘I’ have no advice for ‘YOU’. Of course, I called out his unfairness because he had recently become a father and could have imparted so much knowledge on me knowing what ‘this thing’ is going to be like. He was quite bemused with my pressing, as his statement was simple. Simple, but weighted. The only other thing he said was that I should do what’s best for my child and don’t listen to anyone. I shot him another side eye as his mother was a prominent figure in his child’s life. I let him have that one, as much as I wanted to know more.
When we had our son and came to grips with PARENTING a child, not babysitting or tolerating one, I got it. When I went back to work, we had lunch again. He was smiling from ear to ear and so was I this time. We talked about the antiquated ways of child-rearing and all that I had escaped by doing things our way. I trusted him and would have listened to his advice; this stranger to MY child. We learned about our child and we cared for and led him with our choices. Everyone was happy. When I told my cousin I hadn’t read any books she was in a rage and sent me title after title of all the popular stuff; we politely declined. Months later when I attempted to find a solution with a popular site I felt like the one thing I was looking for wasn’t there. The one word to connect my issues to a solution wasn’t there. Why? Nothing in parenting is cookie cut; it’s ever-changing. Every time I had posted my issues on mommy boards on Facebook, I was rewarded with comments filled with nuggets of gold. All ending with ‘THAT’S what worked for US’, MAYBE it will for you. A small side-eye there as I thought if it worked it worked, what’s the deal? The more we dealt with and overcame, the more I got it. How can someone else tell you what will work for you or your child when they have never met the child? When they are born, you the parent don’t know their ways and cannot bend them to follow someone else’s routine. In a room with 10 people, 10 of them will be different; kids are exactly the same. Here’s another thought, in a room with 10 people, 10 of them will be from a different situation. Same. There are no super parents and it is perfectly ok to hate being a parent. Be honest about your experience though. Decline to offer advice when you know your ‘situation’ comes with circumstances! Don’t tell people to not have kids when you have 4 with 4 partners and consider time with any of your children as babysitting. Do not have children with someone who does not want any and blame them for a failed relationship. For the love of God kids will not save your relationship, but pit you against each other and teach your children horrible relationships are acceptable. Finally, a single parent experience may seem to be 10 times worse than a 2 parent household, but unless both parents are involved, its one and the same!
For the past 3 days I have been laughing hysterically. The first day, I enjoyed myself thoroughly but made a mental note to not enjoy things too much. Most recently, the trajectory of my life has been on a winding road and so I knew to not give in to relief quite yet. The second day I braced for impact. That could have been a fluke. Nought! It was another great night of laughing until my stomach hurt. It felt so good to be working among people with so much spirit and light. We weren’t laughing maliciously at anyone, just the everyday mundane nuances of life. Somehow, common conversations can be so different with different people. I felt like these people were angels in a hard time of need. I felt like they were building me back up and I’m being transported to the next stage of life. A Kintsugi. I had a moment tonight when I looked back on myself around Oct./Nov of last year and felt so good in my heart. I was so close to landing in therapy and here I was, happy again. I was chill, calm and free flowing again. There were a few times in my life when I met angels like these that lifted me up and I made sure to tell them how they blessed me feel. My shoulders rocked and my neck tightened at how much we laughed with each other. Harmoniously expressing shock when ever one said something so outrageous that baring teeth was the only answer. Strangers to me, being medicine to a hard round of depression; a cold time. I felt grateful. These people were so happy and it was so contagious. Even though I am new, I naturally was reserved and observant, but they kept talking to me. I had no choice but to speak back. It was as if they unintentionally, but collectively, worked to not make me feels at odds. I was never knocked down once, but instead welcomed by all. It made me realize how extreme personalities were and the fact that people can be so awful. They can also be really pure and open, baring their souls everyday. I felt so happy to speak freely among like minds whose favorite thing in the world is to laugh. A seasonal role I had concluded this week and not once did I feel sad about it. My silver lining kept me on track and I focused on the fact that I was gainfully employed again. This time with an amazing group of humans. I chalked it up to first impressions and continued to be vigilant. That was until I noticed that even in disagreements, there was laughter and patience and kindness and questions, not accusations. There was teasing, eye-rolling, deep sighs and side eyes, but none were held on to and most certainly met with a smile. This was introductory but everyone shared tidbits about their most prized possessions-their families and were not afraid to ask questions respectfully. As a creature of habit, in my quiet moments I inhaled and exhaled deeply a couple times to center myself and found there was no urgency to have to do that. My spirit was not crossed or on the edge of nerves and I was grateful I could be me. When they teased me, I felt okay and laughed at how well they nailed my disposition! This made me feel predictable, but also safe to be myself, as their openness told me they did not deem me a threat. So refreshing! I worried about missing time with my son and not being there as much as I was these past few months. However, It is with great joy that I return to a place of work, like I have many times before in past jobs. This time with absolutely no regrets about how I moved on prior. Angels are always placed neatly where we need them, compelled to give us exactly what we need, floating and taking you to dance to the beat of their hearts.
I remember those days,
Timeless moments nothing could intercept,
Living for each moment, not thinking we had much time left,
Hours ran into days, ran into months into pains,
I remember those days,
Each day awoken with a smile,
Loving each second, each embrace,
Tethered by our souls, moving by grace,
I remember those days,
Time flew around us, yet our gaze stood still,
Time flew around us, but our traces lingered on each others skin,
Careless spirits, moving us through,
I remember those days,
Nothing ever mattered, nothing was our everything,
Talks that extended past wee hours,
No interests in seeing anything but each other
I remember those days,
Shamelessly submissive to your every word,
Fed from your words and your releases,
Full from all you embody and all you do,
I remember those days,
Falling into your arms was the single point I looked forward to in my days
Even just in candle light you seemed so great,
Naked and bare I still saw you as Adonis type gold
My every fibre focused on willing your eyes to just me
I remember those days,
If my tears would fall, so would yours too,
I’d be felt and heard and made to feel silly because you were there,
We were one being of burning heat and hope and love
We were open, our basic selves, feeding each others strengths
I remember those days,
Fingers tracing lightly on skin,
Tip toeing, stealing kisses, sneaking in,
Soft touches calls flutters in,
a glow and a constant happiness;grins
I remember those days
I ain’t felt that way in years.
It is what’s in your soul that will be the only thing that will carry you through,
When faced with adversity, when your pureness has been compromised,
Fly, fly on…..just keep swimming, it’s not the end,
When you gave of yourself and received naught,
It is not the end for you, your kindness has not met defeat,
It has instead met tests for a stronger self, don’t forget.
Fly, carry on as you are,
Don’t change when met with grunge, debris and a witless heart,
You have done no ill in being kind, extending a hand and trying to change the times,
Never change because you’re hurt, be yourself someone will see your worth.
Never beat yourself up. Never expect a beast to give you a rose.
You introduced your naked soul and were rebuffed.
Life goes on, no matter how tough.
When the dust settles it will be clear,
You made a clearing in a dark place,
You loved the unloved.
I can be a very quiet and reserved person, so conversations pass me by a lot. I’m the type of person that will let you paint me with your words and thoughts and not offer a peep. I have a smiling face and eyebrows raised ready to listen and my answer is usually told by my facial expression. I often create classifications in my mind where I group people and hardly ever do I have someone surprise me. Which led me to think, do people self-reflect? Are they connecting with themselves. Do the things you do to others, something you would want done to you? Have you ever heard someone say, ‘do you listen to yourself?’, because, do you? I find that a lot of people speak only because they are able to, not because they have something substantial to say. The last word is theirs; always. One of my favorite things is to eavesdrop; not intentionally but as I find myself in different places I am listening all around. I used to do this thing where I was ‘in silence’ and I would hardly talk all day and just observe and listen to the world. Letting things fall in place and most importantly watch my impact on others. It’s worthy to ponder on things sometimes…let your mind run away with you…