*Flashback Post*-November 3rd, 2013

I remember those days,

Timeless moments nothing could intercept,

Living for each moment, not thinking we had much time left,

Hours ran into days, ran into months into pains,

 

I remember those days,

Each day awoken with a smile,

Loving each second, each embrace,

Tethered by our souls, moving by grace,

 

I remember those days,

Time flew around us, yet our gaze stood still,

Time flew around us, but our traces lingered on each others skin,

Careless spirits, moving us through,

 

I remember those days,

Nothing ever mattered, nothing was our everything,

Talks that extended past wee hours,

No interests in seeing anything but each other

 

I remember those days,

Shamelessly submissive to your every word,

Fed from your words and your releases,

Full from all you embody and all you do,

 

I remember those days,

Falling into your arms was the single point I looked forward to in my days

Even just in candle light you seemed so great,

Naked and bare I still saw you as Adonis type gold

My every fibre focused on willing your eyes to just me

 

I remember those days,

If my tears would fall, so would yours too,

I’d be felt and heard and made to feel silly because you were there,

We were one being of burning heat and hope and love

We were open, our basic selves, feeding each others strengths

 

I remember those days,

Fingers tracing lightly on skin,

Tip toeing, stealing kisses, sneaking in,

Soft touches calls flutters in,

a glow and a constant happiness;grins

 

I remember those days

I ain’t felt that way in years.

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*Flashback post*-Dec. 29th 2013

It is what’s in your soul that will be the only thing that will carry you through,

When faced with adversity, when your pureness has been compromised,

Fly, fly on…..just keep swimming, it’s not the end,

 

When you gave of yourself and received naught,

It is not the end for you, your kindness has not met defeat,

It has instead met tests for a stronger self, don’t forget.

 

Fly, carry on as you are,

Don’t change when met with grunge, debris and a witless heart,

You have done no ill in being kind, extending a hand and trying to change the times,

Never change because you’re hurt, be yourself someone will see your worth.

 

Never beat yourself up. Never expect a beast to give you a rose.

You introduced your naked soul and were rebuffed.

Life goes on, no matter how tough.

 

When the dust settles it will be clear,

You made a clearing in a dark place,

You loved the unloved.

Back to life….

I’ve been down a lot lately about many things. I think my hubby sensed this also which I don’t usuallyimg_20161105_121215092
like, as it’s added pressure. As such, I purposely remain mum so as to not overwhelm anyone but things have been heavy because I feel like time is catching up on us. None the less, I put on a brave face and go out there and do my best.

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Yuminess that I shared with everyone!

Today, I was sitting at work chatting it up with a co-worker about life and goals and where we want to see ourselves. In my mind I drifted back to a time when I drew and wrote poetry, randomness, everything that was going on in my life. I loved the artsy side I had and even attempted to take classes this Fall to build on that but life caught up with me. I thought about myself then and now and while somethings I am grateful has changed, some things I love that they remained the same. Mid convo I got a call for a delivery and I just couldn’t contain my smile. Here I was being in the dumps over uncontrollable things and there was so much love around me. I sat staring at my arrangement for a while because it also took me back to the early years of marriage when I would randomly get these gifts; just because. How fitting. Love remains constant and appreciation has grown leaps and bounds and I will always try to never forget that. While this affected my ability to concentrate for the rest of the day, I couldn’t help but think how perfect this was

It was the jolt I needed to focus on the positive things in my life and I am so so grateful!! I felt so girly and appreciated, so many butterflies in my stomach! I immediately I positioned myself as Ariel in the boat during Sebastian’s chorus of ‘Kiss The Girl’. Very random I know, but that’s the love I felt all over again. I just wanted to leap into my husbands arms and smack him with a big wet one! Honestly…

If a video could speak for me this would be it…percussions…strings…wind…words!….

 

 

Well played. Universe. Well played….

Liabilities….

Sometimes when you find yourself at odds in your marriage, you question yourself a lot. You question your choices and if you should really be hanging on, or letting go of a lot of things. I’m not speaking of divorce. I’m speaking of things that never seem to change but rear their ugly heads at the worse times and make loving your spouse difficult. I’m speaking of words that have come back to bite you, that you don’t regret saying but probably should have kept hidden. Exposed vulnerabilities that caused you to be trapped in a cycle of ‘but you said this when’ and ‘how come I’m this when, but not that way when’. I’m speaking of those times when you have expressed appreciation and have had it taken advantage of. You begin to learn more and more about yourself and your partner the more you fight. You also change constantly and have to re-arrange how you do things in your life in relation to this person. When it comes to your children you are unapologetically you, annoying, over-doting and just down right every ‘meme’ of a parent that ever lived. You never seek to change to accommodate their request for you to stop, because you can’t help but be ‘parent’-like’. When it comes to a spouse though, those many times that you have had to ‘take a step back to focus’ comes with being a little more withdrawn every time. Somehow, you manage running back to the routine but with a much guarded face. The spoils of the war always comes with odd propositions like ‘you know you can tell me anything’ and you somehow want to say, ‘can I though?’ can I express adoration for you and not have it questioned when you’ve done something unfavorable? Not quite convinced, you learn to be devoted to keeping your thoughts modest and reserved. Every now and then though, you dip into your old ways…and I’ll let Sade tell it…..

Barrel children…

img_20160828_154324I like to write about immigration and its effects. It has been a big part of my life and my upbringing and I don’t think people go below the surface enough. The other day, while on vacation in Atlanta, my brothers’ grandmother told us a bit of her share. She spoke about how she got the opportunity to leave her 6 kids behind to go abroad to work in people’s homes. Doing what she can so that she can feed her brood. There was one part that made me almost tear up. She spoke about being able to finally save up enough to go back home to visit. She planned the visit with another family member and told her children that she was sending things for them and that they should look out for the relative. As you can probably guess, it was her coming down after all this time. She remembered very clearly every detail of what happened when her children saw her. She walked out and one of them shouted ‘It’s Mama!’ and they all corralled her to the point of almost knocking
her down. That part ripped through me and I could almost place myself there watching in the backdrop. They could hardly detach themselves from their dear mother. She spoke about never forgetting what that reunion felt like and I could almost feel the excitement and relief. The giddy head strong feeling of seeing a parent after missing them so long will put you on a cloud. The feeling of having your personal nook back can never be replaced.

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father and son….

Our conversation took me back to the days when my father would visit. I always remember this particular day, my mother got a call and when she hung up she told me my father was in the island. I got dressed immediately. I knew he was coming, he had to. The entire day involved me talking my life away about seeing him and possibly never coming back. I was sure he would have taken me with him if he could (he never did) but for some reason his situation didn’t allow it. As night drew nigh, I placed myself by the window looking out for the car to stop outside so that as it came I would go. I eventually fell asleep, well dressed and hopeful. In true form, he turned up, late in the night with my brothers and uncle. I was bursting with love! I quickly picked up my bags and we were on our way to my grandmother house where I would stay until it was time for me to go back home. It was during this drive that I got the nick name ’Duracell’ because I just could not shut up! I spoke every one ear off.

Mi familia….

How wild was this? I was way past my bed time too, driving to Kingston! He could do anything and make anything happen; I thought. I marveled at him and how ‘he came for me’. I was deathly afraid of him, as he had stern ways but I was also very intrigued. My mother told me so many stories about him. I probably saw him once per year for a number of years and then about 13/14 he stopped coming, or at least as far as I knew. My aunt filled in for him in many ways when I was growing up and looking back on those times would prove that she did way more for me than he did. I just could not see past the novelty. He always brought me something that I treated like gold. I was so enamored and tried very hard to be a good little girl so that he would see that I was deserving; and take me with him.As I grew older things definitely changed and a lot of things wore off and changed. I am still grateful that I can look back and laugh. As I remember being at school and telling people, quite boldly that my father lives abroad and that soon I will too. It just seemed like the perfect paradise. What could be so wrong?

I see people now who still do this for the sake of a better life and I want to plead with them to keep their children in their care. Don’t leave your child with anyone to raise for too long. As soon as you can, make a home with your children around you. ‘Barrel children’ are often unintentionally slighted and they carry this through life. No to mention the situations some of them end up in and getting exposed to. Often times, they are over compensated by the parent(s) who left and even this can be to their detriment. The parent who raises them sometimes gets
shorted for being the disciplinarian and for ‘not loving them enough’. I used to think my mother didn’t want me to live in foreign. When the one that remains to struggle with you cannot afford to have you fall off knowing how much it really takes to raise a child. They cannot unsee the hard times and wouldn’t wish it on their worst enemies.

img_20160826_182954249_hdrHonestly speaking, at times the parent that is relaxed and easy going and allows you to do whatever you want to do, do so because they have to fight for your affection. They don’t want to be forgotten, so they give you the ‘easy life’. They aren’t honest and strict with you because they don’t want you to be mad at them and ‘lose you’. I later reconciled with my father and to this day can only manage him in small doses (lol!). I will forever think though, that if at all, leaving a child behind, should be avoided. I know many ‘barrel children’ and many share similar traits when it comes to their thoughts on the parent who stayed and the one that went/sent them away for better. This happens without realizing the bigger picture and these children should really be forgiven.

Until next time…xoxo

Mind your mind, body and soul…

I like to write about the things no one tells you about when you’re about to enter ‘baby world’. Yesterday I had a conversation with my cousin and we spoke about dealing with family issues when you’ve just had a child and how you have to ‘mind’ yourself. It was so refreshing to hear this come from someone I didn’t quite expect.  I always thought my cousin was a bit weird, so to hear her speak about connecting to yourself and seeing about caring for IMG_20160520_152627615yourself and a child in the midst of contention between family; it really pleased me. I am not close to my mother and have not spoken to her in over 5 years. My cousin became the black sheep when she got pregnant out of wedlock because she had an extremely devoted religious mother. I purposely set that precedence because we can all connect with the characteristics of religious people. Now, having a child is a very traumatic experience and in some cases a tragedy. Having no one to lean on when going through this event will harden you for life. You will be scarred and left empty. You will be resentful and dubious about everything you’re doing with your life. I can tell you that all you need to do for the sake of that innocent child is to mind your mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health. Every second of your day should be given to your child and you. You will need to concede and decide that this is your time and nothing or no one deserves to plaster my child’s life with any negativity. I cannot begin to even explain how much help is needed when you become a parent. There are no words to describe the cluster fuck of emotions and moments that you will go through in a very short time and you cannot ever not deal. There are no vacations or days off, this is a 24 hour ongoing job that you must do yourself, completely. Every second that you IMG_20160523_123432321_HDR‘donate’ to dealing with bullshit in your life, is a second your child has lost. This is a very expensive charge and you cannot lose a dime or else you will miss out on so much with your child. You cannot give anyone not being positive and contributing to your life a single second. Entertaining drama, arguments and fights with someone who has nothing but discord in their heart for you is so toxic. Hold on to your mental health, free mind and clarity with a tight grip. I had my own squabbles with other members of my family when my son was born, absolutely no one came around. This was however my decision but it was not hers; we both had the same approach. This just goes to show that there is no other way. We became a solid rock of 3, no one else and we loved how close knit we are all growing to be. Plus, I could afford to never once make a fit about it because we knew our child was worth so much more. We were already so deadbeat, every time we had, had to be his. We became hermits; we became secluded and closed off and cold to some. People looking in never saw anything but a smiling happy baby. We taught our child happiness, joy, laughter and love before he was ever exposed to any kind of sadness. Some aren’t that lucky, and even entertain ideas that they made a mistake keeping and having their child. This is very easy to say and should be banished from all thought. A child is never a mistake, or an unfortunate event. Look at your child and promise them all of you, build a circle of positive ongoing support and eliminate all pressures. Do nothing more than savor, enjoy and revel as much as you can about being the best honest mother you can be. ‘Mind yourself’

Immigrant liberties and locks….

Immigration is so simple to some people. However, there is so much heart break and brokenness with the process.

immiAcclimatizing to a place you have no rights to is very draining. There is no history in a land you may have never even visited before. There is no security in a place you need because you cannot go back home. Wreckage surrounds your life and glooms leers at your soul for as long as you are unstable. I always say that only the bravest people immigrate and not break. You have to have heart and guts to lift your life up on your shoulders and carry it for months, years before you find some peace. People can complicate the process for you and they just might bless your situation. I don’t know of a bigger thing in my life than fighting every single day to feel at home in a country where I was not born. As much as I do not feel safe at times being home, that is the place that connects to my core. When I visit, I can relax, I am calm; everything is familiar. Everything is sweet and natural. The living is temporary but the relief is lasting and enough. The relationships you form in foreign lands are so forged and fickle. You’re forced to co-exist with sworn enemies and your one commonality makes you forgive your biases. The relationships are fleeting though and even your own people disappoint. There isn’t a certainty as to how far you can go with people here because you do not know them. You do not know their story, history, you did not grow up together or know anyone that knows each other. You take only what they give you and return less or the same, never quite knowing who’s who or what. It’s a conveyor belt of mannequin faces in and out of your life daily. No one breaks the order as it’s a basic be cordial and exist type of deal. You don’t even feel relevant but you all know this is your place now and you have to make due. My favorite thing to reminisce on is my change of life. In my home country I can be wild and prolific. In this country you keep your head down and work hard. When you throw having a family in the circle, you become a cycle of a Untitledwork-sleep-work-sleep, survival pattern. There is no neighbor to beg a cup of sugar because you’ve probably never met them. There is no family ‘yard’ to bank on for even family visits are limited and ‘hosted’. Life is difficult by tenfold is you are undocumented. This experience is enough to break the strongest man and reduce him to a fledgling beggar. Feeling unconquered with every action. Living becomes a treasure map of constantly selecting the best and safest risky option that allows you to survive but not get deported. The inherent shock, uncertainty and uneasiness mars you for years to come but are lessons that keep you grounded. A karma that isn’t quite explained. There is also the enigma of being grateful to have the opportunity to live in a more advanced, safe country but hating its people. Seeing them as useless, undeserving and unfairly privileged for never having to struggle. Forgiving them only at the thought of your child being as lucky as they are. Alas, the joy of the migrant life comes from what you build and become for yourself. Lacking the traditions of your native society forces you to form your own curve. Forces you to pick what you want from this new culture and shamelessly discard the parts that do nothing but disgust you and shit on your values. It isn’t until you accept your situation and develop a life that is concurrent with your needs and budget, conditions and limitations that you begin to truly live. No longer existing but aggressively acing and progressing. The spark in life comes in letting go of the struggle and feeling winded and embracing the vulgarities you’re thrown. The dust will settle when you boldly and happily face the good, bad and the ugly while providing an acceptable life for those you are responsible for.