*Flashback Post*-November 3rd, 2013

I remember those days,

Timeless moments nothing could intercept,

Living for each moment, not thinking we had much time left,

Hours ran into days, ran into months into pains,

 

I remember those days,

Each day awoken with a smile,

Loving each second, each embrace,

Tethered by our souls, moving by grace,

 

I remember those days,

Time flew around us, yet our gaze stood still,

Time flew around us, but our traces lingered on each others skin,

Careless spirits, moving us through,

 

I remember those days,

Nothing ever mattered, nothing was our everything,

Talks that extended past wee hours,

No interests in seeing anything but each other

 

I remember those days,

Shamelessly submissive to your every word,

Fed from your words and your releases,

Full from all you embody and all you do,

 

I remember those days,

Falling into your arms was the single point I looked forward to in my days

Even just in candle light you seemed so great,

Naked and bare I still saw you as Adonis type gold

My every fibre focused on willing your eyes to just me

 

I remember those days,

If my tears would fall, so would yours too,

I’d be felt and heard and made to feel silly because you were there,

We were one being of burning heat and hope and love

We were open, our basic selves, feeding each others strengths

 

I remember those days,

Fingers tracing lightly on skin,

Tip toeing, stealing kisses, sneaking in,

Soft touches calls flutters in,

a glow and a constant happiness;grins

 

I remember those days

I ain’t felt that way in years.

*Flashback post*-Dec. 29th 2013

It is what’s in your soul that will be the only thing that will carry you through,

When faced with adversity, when your pureness has been compromised,

Fly, fly on…..just keep swimming, it’s not the end,

 

When you gave of yourself and received naught,

It is not the end for you, your kindness has not met defeat,

It has instead met tests for a stronger self, don’t forget.

 

Fly, carry on as you are,

Don’t change when met with grunge, debris and a witless heart,

You have done no ill in being kind, extending a hand and trying to change the times,

Never change because you’re hurt, be yourself someone will see your worth.

 

Never beat yourself up. Never expect a beast to give you a rose.

You introduced your naked soul and were rebuffed.

Life goes on, no matter how tough.

 

When the dust settles it will be clear,

You made a clearing in a dark place,

You loved the unloved.

Night time Babba woes…

*Sigh* …Our food drama continues…

Since lately baby (2 yr. old) has been waking up multiple times throughout the night screaming for a bottle. We were trying to wean him off bottles, formulas and bedtime ‘babbas’ but the child was legitimately starving.

We tried giving him water, rocking him back to sleep, letting him wake up, turning on his favorite videos on his tablets, singing songs etc. None of it works as fast as a warm bottle does.  Truth be told, most times we needed to go back to bed as well. When our efforts failed we tried to find ways to full his stomach. We only use almond and coconut milk and so we figured they weren’t holding him as long as we needed. Plus, frequently waking up meant he wasn’t hitting deep a sleep to me. one night he woke up 6 times and he polished off his bottle each time. We knew we needed to make a change. We needed to make baby fuller, longer. We figured he was tired of the Pediasure, so I looked at other things.  I perused the supermarket aisle and was considering a baby cereal but there wasn’t any that went up to his age.  A quick Google search suggested that greek yogurt is one food that keeps you fuller longer. I figured that it couldn’t hurt to try even though he was technically limited when it came to dairy.

I bought a small tub of organic plain to try and it worked like a charm! One tablespoon in his night time bottle and he only woke up 1 time for the night looking for his fill. He even seemed more well rested. I especially loved that this wasn’t a filler like the cereal would be but a great healthy addition with lots of Calcium benefits!

Score!

Mama Hotline Bling

Perhaps you will pause for a minute or scroll on by.

This Mother’s Day make sure you call your mother, at least to say ‘hi’.

Don’t send her a text, email or just a delivery.

Let her hear your voice or see your angel face physically.

Where she can touch and look upon you directly.

 

A mother can look into your eyes and know your lies.

It’s also the place that tells her you’re weak or how much you’ve tried.

She will always make your favorite meal on the fly.

Be the one that answers, Every. Single. Time.

 

Make sure you tell her you love and appreciate her

Hug up, squeeze up and draw nearer, nearer

Tell her you’re acknowledging her worth.

That you know you changed her life at your birth

Your words are heavy, make sure you don’t stutter

Joke about how you know you’re the best thing in her life

That you live happily, that will make her smile; her heart flutter.

 

Call your mother this Mother’s Day

Let the conversation linger on, let her say all she has to say

Somewhere in all the pleasantries your fears will be exposed

But do not feel guilt when she says ‘a mother always knows’.

Tell her you’re grateful she’s recognized you as an adult.

That you don’t intentionally mean to be difficult.

Before you run off the phone, say ‘I love YOU mama’.

You’re all I worry and think about

Remind her that for all 365 days, she’s all you care about.

Estranged….

I recently had an ordeal that left me a bit confused at the nerve of some people. My mother accidentally met my son for the first time in his entire life last week. My son is about to be 2yrs old. While it was brief (thank God), she managed to get my husband to agree to meeting up so that he could collect gifts her side of the family had for our son. The meeting went down and I carefully donated all gifts to the Make-A-Wish donation. I could have just thrown them away. What struck a chord with me is the fact that she labelled the gift bag as being from ‘Nana’ and put ‘Grandpa’ before her husband’s name. My uncle had let me know that he had left things there for my son but they didn’t even have the common decency to add his name.  I was grateful for the fact that my son is young and couldn’t attach himself to the thought of who these people he met randomly at a clinic is to him. I was so annoyed, because I grew up attached to someone with a title that refused to have a hand in raising me. As neither my husband or I have a relationship with the gift givers, their audacity boggled my mind. It reminded me very much about people who boosts about relationships that don’t exist, ie. delinquent fathers and their estranged children. Where do people get the nerve to cast themselves in positions that clearly was never bestowed on them? Positions that they clearly have contributed zero effort towards. Further calling themselves monikers that are used so affectionately by people worldwide. I felt a bit of embarrassment for them, because we all know they are anything but. I was even more annoyed knowing this was something which would be bragged about from their end. I wish people would be more honest with themselves and not be so hung up on an image. As basic as it sounds, you are by no means grandparents to my child; you’re merely related. I strongly believe in titles and how we represent ourselves to a child. This is generally how trust develops and primarily why I was most annoyed. We all teach our children about strangers and counter that family and friends are people we can trust, who are ‘safe’. There was no way I could attach these titles to people that aren’t in my sons life. Furthermore, you don’t get to call yourself such names and treat him any old way. Further confusing him and leaving him open to so many questions. Children have a very odd way of feeling emptiness and asking about people that should be around that aren’t. Especially when they see these relationships around them. Their love is very pure, and based on your relation to them, they will either love you or not. I’m definitely not ready to introduce my child to what a broken relationship is. I’ve seen the effects and will kindly bow out of that mountain. As a stretch, as his parent, our permission to associate with my child a certain way should be given prior. Especially when it comes to people who have problem filling children with fallacies about all manner of things. Trust that there is a special kind of hell for people who try to control and turn a child’s mind. I don’t believe assuming a role that isn’t yours is healthy, for anyone involved. When my son met his paternal grandfather he was introduced to him as his name and said who he is. He was called by his name because in his life there hasn’t been that relationship. I believe in calling a spade a spade when it comes to letting people in. I refuse to teach my child it is ok to hold on to mediocre relationships. I simply refuse to teach him to be a doormat for someone just because of their title. Most importantly, that not everyone related to you deserves to be loved by you. *deep sigh*

It’s a disservice to think your children aren’t already living and building relationships with people. Trust that only the best people should be allowed to grace their presence; they don’t need early encounters with the cold world…

Sylvia….

I miss my paternal grandmother. I knew her when I was a young girl and even though she passed when I was about 12 or 13, I still very much miss her dearly. I didn’t treat her that well when she was here on earth because she was extraordinarily miserable. I mean m-i-s-e-r-a-b-l-e! I couldn’t fathom it, and used to wonder why the hell she was picking on me! My fondest memory of her is actually one where I got a whooping! Lol. She and my grandfather ran a restaurant in the city square where they lived-Papine, and one day I was on the rooftop patio clearing the tables and a guest left a little bit of beer in their Red Stripe bottle. I looked around and put that bottle right to my head. Next thing I knew she flew down on me and with her strong hands and gave me about 3 slaps across my back! I was so startled, I could piss myself! My mother is going to hear about this I thought!! She was an excellent, excellent cook and very protective. I did love that she took me everywhere with her and like a grandmother, was always teaching a lesson and extending a treat. I have a friend that reminds me so much of the care of a loving grandmother but I sometimes feel like I burden her too much. If Miss Slyvie was here, I wouldn’t care because grandmothers are not allowed to dislike you. If she was here, so many life choices would have gone differently, because her word would be one I could count on and trust. I also wish she was here to meet my son, who in his own way is the sweetest! Sigh, just musings today…nothing major!

An ode to the Beygency et al….

I wasn’t a ‘stan’ for Beyonce growing up. It wasn’t that I didn’t like her music, my favorite kind of music was oldies. screenshot_20170201-153930The hits from the 60s, 70s and 80s is what I loved. I would always jam to her tunes but I didn’t understand her magnitude. I loved getting lost in these eras and still do. The songs from those times had the ultimate life lessons for which I was very grateful. As I became an adult I realized many things, one of which was the way people ‘work’. I saw people in two categories, those who grind and those who does and would not. Every time I was left alone pushing through a group project in college, I got a taste of people in the world. Every time I had to step up and shoulder major tasks in my role at work, I got a taste of people in the real world. Every time I have had to yell ‘I’ll do it!’; the taste lingered. The more I pushed through grand tasks, being deadbeat tired and still moving, the more I grew bewildered. There was a point in my life when I was working a full-time job, a part-time job, taking request for a paying hobby all while going to school as a full-time student. Friends and family hadn’t see me for months. One friend saw me because we worked together. The more these days turned into months, the more I was confused about how others were living. There are people in this world that cannot hold down 1 steady job. Adults, who are incapable of working steadily, earning a living and covering their bills and basic expenses. I’m talking about men and women alike, not SAHMs or SAHDs, I’m talking drifters. Significant others that just want to lay around and be carried.   We all know them and wonder how they survive. Even more so how they excel in relationships and why they are being enabled. I could never respect a capable being holding their own. I could never trust them for they don’t even love themselves. screenshot_20170201-144710It boggles my mind how comfortable people get just floating day in and day out. Stationary, still with no desire for much more than the next meal. I shuddered at that scene in Chewing Gum when Cynthia said she wanted nothing out of life but to play LUDO with Tracey all day. I know people like this exists! I wondered if my partner and I were the only ones who lived like this and why. Doesn’t everybody want a million?  Don’t they want more for their children and own life?

You might be wondering how Bey ties in to this. Where does Slayonce lie here? She ties in because no matter what is said about her, she does the work. All of the work, all the time. I have to respect the work ethic, I have to lift up the drive and ambition. As hard as she goes, she doesn’t always win, which is also a part of life but the works goes on. She’s on to the next project or step. She does it consistently, focused and moving on, all without an ego! As I shouldered many things alone I drew to women who were the same. I also separated from those who cannot hold their own, they felt like anchors and their relationships with others around them turned me off. It was all too transactional. I looked deeper at women who do and who get jokes cracked on them because they do. Also saw the other side of women who get criticized for the most irrelevant things. Lisa Price, Michaela Coel, Shonda Rhimes, my aunts and other women in my family, friends, Michelle Obama, Oprah, my sis-in-law. There’s a reason why they stand high, some alone. I’ve learned to channel the strength of the greats and I can’t wait to pass that aptitude on to my daughter. My son is already a work in progress. If not for yourself, do the work, all of it, all the time for those that want to respect you. Things has to be done because the world doesn’t stop for any one. Ever.