Missin’ u…

You know the hardest part about being a parent?  Not being able to keep your child with you 24/7s or be able to see them in a moment when you need to. It’s true, mothers can just look at their children and know when nothing in their world is right. When mothers are down, their children often pull them out of their funk. It’s an instant mood elevator to see the face of your babe. Their smiles, laughter and general silliness wakes your soul to look ahead. Even if you’re wondering just what the fuck they’re doing. As a working mother, this has been my gripe for days on end. If you didn’t think your mind was powerful, you can literally think your way into a major tragedy that puts your heart in a bind. You will literally hyperventilate at the thought that a predator might be eating your baby alive. Only to find out all is actually well and there is not a single need to panic. Children will teach you so much about yourself and your body. They will literally call your bluff when you’re voicing something different. The way you miss them makes you ache and seeing them lifts you high.

I used to think it was ridiculous when people would say ‘I just couldn’t leave my baby’. ‘What could be so great about them?’, I would think. Then I had my son and I got it. It 100% rips my heart out when I have to leave him. I literally want to fight myself for not being further ahead in life or better accomplished so that I could afford life at home with my son. Creatives that take the non-traditional route so that they can be home are goals to me. I want to scream every time I have a horrible thought or a bad piece of news cross my path and I can’t hold his hand or glance at what mischief he’s getting into. They are so pure, and give so much all the time. Children give you 100% of what you give to them. They have no filter and are the most genuine human beings you will ever encounter. They teach you how to live, question life and wonder about things that you’ve never thought of before. It is also why you can almost immediately tell when an adult wasn’t nurtured by love but raised to exist. They’re like green limp flowers, misunderstood and out of reason. In each stage, the babes give us life, whether we want it or not. I I could define it, the sound of my soul…is the laughter of children the world over….

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Outwitting The Devil….pt. 1

I didn’t seek therapy when I should have…

This was from advice that I can now assume was made based on fear. Now, when I find myself out of clarity, not able to focus; I reflect on my choices. This instantly plunges me into a depressive state. I used music in the past to help with my moods, but it hasn’t been enough to quiet my mind. This week has been a dragging for me and I find  myself not being able to focus a lot. I keep searching for enough to do to exhaust me, I keep busying myself with list on top of lists on top of lists.

Upon referral, I purchased and started reading ‘Outwitting The Devil’ by Napoleon Hill. The very first chapter made me want to burst into tears. ‘If you wish to be of enduring service, not only to those now living, but to posterity as well, you can do so if you will take the time to organize all of the causes of failure as well as all of the causes of success’. Further, as I quote, ‘My experience has taught me that a man is never quite so near success as when that which he calls ‘failure’ has overtaken him, for it is on occasions of this sort that he is forced to think….if he thinks accurately and with persistence, he discovers that so-called failure usually is nothing more than a signal to re-arm himself with a new plan or purpose.“

At my lowest, I learned to be extremely calculating and present. I most importantly learned how life can be at a minimum. What is important and what is definitely a luxury. At my lowest I saw myself as my own salve, needing to pull back the covers and emerge as a viable, productive member of society. There was a major failure under my belt, but with this came a start to completing my degree, re-employment at my favourite place in the world and a school opportunity for my son. While my grades suffer a bit due to working, I can’t afford to quit and not be able to pay my school fee or my son’s. Either way, at my lowest or at my biggest ‘failure’, I was forced out of my own way.

‘Men are forced to change their habits and to think their way out of difficulty.’…’I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.’….

The Evolution of 30….. 

I no longer search my mind for a connection with people
I no I am enough and no longer fight to fit in
I no longer obsess over catching it all and missing out
I limit my access to those around me and limit my mind space
I have found out that people don’t change
They are as their environment created them and will always hold that dear
I no longer seek to show people their ways
Nor do I fight for change in characters or space
My ‘NOs’ are definitive and firm
They are unmoved and secure.
I don’t care to pacify or sympathize in a lot of cases that would usually break me down
I hold people to their words and listen way more now, than before.
When you show me your ways once, It is cemented
Injustice and the severity of evil in this world is the only thing that brings me to my knees
I no longer hide myself
This is me, phenomenally.
Your approach to me will be controlled
Your language and texture will be filtered
Your vibe will be categorized and your interactions quantified
And noted
I’ve been on the edge of darkness, right where the silver line fades
I also lived within myself in earnest quest
I learned from the simplest of minds on how to live
I lifted my soul from the depths of despair and breathed new breaths
My self-care includes my life. My head. My figure, my mind and my core.
I can’t see me how you see me. I see me for me.
I give me, wholeheartedly
Bigots will only see you when they are at a loss.
They also always return to their ways.
Live fervently against the grain.
Fight breathlessly for your own identity
Never erase yourself
Stand embolden in your roots
At the end of the day, I’ve learn that ‘regard’ is expensive
Respect is not earned, it’s bestowed as first impressions last forever
Fairness is a fragile concept
We have been conditioned and indoctrinated to be one eye’s view
We don’t know that we must break free and live responsibly
Using our gut as our guide, doing what’s right to quiet our minds
As a mom I’ve learned to see people, watch their ways and build a shield
Your children are not safe in this world and people usually show themselves
Believe them and teach the confidence and strength it takes to be honest
Cowards should have no place in your circle, for they will cause destruction
If you were brought up in strictness and control, you will believe your oppressors
You are made to believe you are a not enough and will take this in your spirit everyday
You are. See that. Own it.
This is 30 for me. You cannot make me be. I am me.
Transparently.
Finances, family, fun and fortresses all look different
Stand in your journey and paint your own mosaic
Everything comes with perspective, accept your fights.
We were made to believe in a one-track journey and beat ourselves up when we fall from the percentile
The truth is that there are as many ways of life as there are living beings in this world
Break out of the ‘always done this way’
Leap into the ‘my own way’
Learn the importance of a closed mouth smile and practice self-reflecting when you receive one
What you cannot change, own
What you can, do, for you.
Strength is underestimated
Support is free
Love should never hurt
Live. When you look back, those evocative moments should be first and plentiful
Face your darkness and rebuild aggressively.
You are the most salient everything.

Delivery thoughts…

I had a hard flashback moment today. It was to the pain I felt during childbirth. I was brought back to the operating table and was feeling it when they made the incision in my lower abdomen. I could feel the pain again but pulled myself out of the thought. I remember screaming ‘Tam, they’re trying to kill me’ and saying ‘OW, it hurts!’. After that I was ‘out’. I would have liked it someone was telling me what they were doing as they went on, but it was a very painful, confusing time. I was ‘put under’ after all my yelling but I don’t remember much else. As I thought about this all today, I thought wow, this is how women die. In my most vulnerable moment, I couldn’t speak to say if anything was happening to me, such as shortness of breath or heart palpitations. I just know it is an experience I never want again. Though bittersweet, as I do want another child. I’m just hoping it can be a VBAC. I tell myself all the time that I’m going to be so much better in my next pregnancy. I’m going to eat well, drink more water, manage my iron and haemoglobin issues better. I’m going to be more prepared. More vocal, more involved in my delivery. I’m going to speak up more. I tell myself all these things but know once reality hits, ‘get the baby out safely’ will be my only focus. No one else will matter. That’s how it was with my son. No form of dilation was happening, and the only peace came with feeling my water break. I think that will be the difference in my next birth. An environment with warm water. A dredge for my tingling veins and disturbed body. It is the least I can do for pushing my body to do what it needs to before it’s ready. Birth is a very natural process, a severely underrated sentiment. The effects on the body is extremely life altering and has continues for years. Yet, that is hardly discussed! There is so much care needed for the mother but no one ever remembers this. My first birth felt somewhat like a plunge. Somewhat procedural, done on rotations or rounds. I don’t want that again. If I do have to be induced, I want to labor in the comfort of my safe, peaceful home. If my health allows, this would make me extremely happier and calmer for delivery. In reality, a hospital birth saved my life, but we weren’t prepared for the process at all. Looking back, we were too ‘limp’. No matter how many birth stories, YouTube videos and TLC’s ‘A Baby story” I watched, it was extremely too new and unlike anything we’ve ever been through. I want to be prepared to deal with it all, especially the doctors and nurse.

I’ve realized too, the older I get, that people are weird. You really must advocate for yourself and your body. There really are people so self-absorbed and miserable in the health field that do no deserve to be there. They give sub-par treatment despite it being YOUR worst moments. I want to be somewhat prepared for it all!