*Flashback Post*-November 3rd, 2013

I remember those days,

Timeless moments nothing could intercept,

Living for each moment, not thinking we had much time left,

Hours ran into days, ran into months into pains,

 

I remember those days,

Each day awoken with a smile,

Loving each second, each embrace,

Tethered by our souls, moving by grace,

 

I remember those days,

Time flew around us, yet our gaze stood still,

Time flew around us, but our traces lingered on each others skin,

Careless spirits, moving us through,

 

I remember those days,

Nothing ever mattered, nothing was our everything,

Talks that extended past wee hours,

No interests in seeing anything but each other

 

I remember those days,

Shamelessly submissive to your every word,

Fed from your words and your releases,

Full from all you embody and all you do,

 

I remember those days,

Falling into your arms was the single point I looked forward to in my days

Even just in candle light you seemed so great,

Naked and bare I still saw you as Adonis type gold

My every fibre focused on willing your eyes to just me

 

I remember those days,

If my tears would fall, so would yours too,

I’d be felt and heard and made to feel silly because you were there,

We were one being of burning heat and hope and love

We were open, our basic selves, feeding each others strengths

 

I remember those days,

Fingers tracing lightly on skin,

Tip toeing, stealing kisses, sneaking in,

Soft touches calls flutters in,

a glow and a constant happiness;grins

 

I remember those days

I ain’t felt that way in years.

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When eczema attacks….pt. duex

img_20170208_194349132I bought this bottle of Magnesium to go with my natural deodorant journey. I haven’t had much uses for it (not much research done yet) but I did add it to my DIY deodorant mix.

img_20170207_070112912

on our way to wellness….

Anyhoo, tonight, as I was walking by my son’s room, I noticed the bottle on his bed. I picked it up and asked his Pop what he used it for. He mentioned that for the past 3 nights he’s been mixing it with the colloidal silver I bought for my son’s eczema and it’s been drying it up. I rubbed my son’s eczema spots and my gosh he was right!

They’re all almost gone. I asked how he knew to use it and he retorted ‘I read the bottle. It’s for dry skin!’. How simple was that? Immediately I got on top of my ‘Googles’ and he most definitely was right! Magnesium is a must for eczema!

1 point for the daddy-O! lol

Back to life….

I’ve been down a lot lately about many things. I think my hubby sensed this also which I don’t usuallyimg_20161105_121215092
like, as it’s added pressure. As such, I purposely remain mum so as to not overwhelm anyone but things have been heavy because I feel like time is catching up on us. None the less, I put on a brave face and go out there and do my best.

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Yuminess that I shared with everyone!

Today, I was sitting at work chatting it up with a co-worker about life and goals and where we want to see ourselves. In my mind I drifted back to a time when I drew and wrote poetry, randomness, everything that was going on in my life. I loved the artsy side I had and even attempted to take classes this Fall to build on that but life caught up with me. I thought about myself then and now and while somethings I am grateful has changed, some things I love that they remained the same. Mid convo I got a call for a delivery and I just couldn’t contain my smile. Here I was being in the dumps over uncontrollable things and there was so much love around me. I sat staring at my arrangement for a while because it also took me back to the early years of marriage when I would randomly get these gifts; just because. How fitting. Love remains constant and appreciation has grown leaps and bounds and I will always try to never forget that. While this affected my ability to concentrate for the rest of the day, I couldn’t help but think how perfect this was

It was the jolt I needed to focus on the positive things in my life and I am so so grateful!! I felt so girly and appreciated, so many butterflies in my stomach! I immediately I positioned myself as Ariel in the boat during Sebastian’s chorus of ‘Kiss The Girl’. Very random I know, but that’s the love I felt all over again. I just wanted to leap into my husbands arms and smack him with a big wet one! Honestly…

If a video could speak for me this would be it…percussions…strings…wind…words!….

 

 

Well played. Universe. Well played….

Liabilities….

Sometimes when you find yourself at odds in your marriage, you question yourself a lot. You question your choices and if you should really be hanging on, or letting go of a lot of things. I’m not speaking of divorce. I’m speaking of things that never seem to change but rear their ugly heads at the worse times and make loving your spouse difficult. I’m speaking of words that have come back to bite you, that you don’t regret saying but probably should have kept hidden. Exposed vulnerabilities that caused you to be trapped in a cycle of ‘but you said this when’ and ‘how come I’m this when, but not that way when’. I’m speaking of those times when you have expressed appreciation and have had it taken advantage of. You begin to learn more and more about yourself and your partner the more you fight. You also change constantly and have to re-arrange how you do things in your life in relation to this person. When it comes to your children you are unapologetically you, annoying, over-doting and just down right every ‘meme’ of a parent that ever lived. You never seek to change to accommodate their request for you to stop, because you can’t help but be ‘parent’-like’. When it comes to a spouse though, those many times that you have had to ‘take a step back to focus’ comes with being a little more withdrawn every time. Somehow, you manage running back to the routine but with a much guarded face. The spoils of the war always comes with odd propositions like ‘you know you can tell me anything’ and you somehow want to say, ‘can I though?’ can I express adoration for you and not have it questioned when you’ve done something unfavorable? Not quite convinced, you learn to be devoted to keeping your thoughts modest and reserved. Every now and then though, you dip into your old ways…and I’ll let Sade tell it…..

Mental Illness faces….

I would like to discuss mental illness. There are two men that I always see around my community that are visibly mentally disabled. One of these men are often confrontational and aggressive to people on the streets. Today I saw him, and I guess it was my turn? I could see that he had raw bruises on his face; cheeks and nose. I also noticed that he had a bandana wrapped around a bloody wrist. I looked at him three times (I guess too many times) and he jumped up off the bench he was sitting on and asked if I had a problem. I shook my head ‘no’ and started running IMG_20160524_144906836away from where he was, without even looking if a bus was coming as I crossed the street. Another man was beside me and we looked at each other and quickened our steps at the same time. I started getting a bit anxious and so I ducked into a consignment store in case he decided to follow me. He didn’t but he was surely giving whoever was in the vicinity an earful. I restarted the podcast I was listening to and went on my merry way. While I feel happy for escaping what could have turned into a nightmare, I can’t help but feel sad. The bruises looked like they possible came from a fight. The other man that is always hanging around the train station is usually sitting on the ground, repetitively touching his shoulder with his chin. All why rocking back and forth. I guess I feel even more discontented because both men are people of colour (POC). Every time I see them I wonder where is their support? Does the city even have something in place for people living with this? And If there family knows where they are. I was in no way shape or form being belligerent to this young man; yet he could have attacked me. I have seen him with ‘gender socialized’ accessories such as false eyelashes, colorful head ties and even lipstick. It is fair to assume that he might be a homosexual man and I know homelessness is a very big issue in their community. I can’t help but shake the fact that these boys need help. It’s not like they are downright homeless and constantly begging, I’ve actually seen one of them beg once; but they are not well.

I spoke to a co-worker today about depression and she blatantly said she cannot fathom it. Wondering even if it is real and that her relative is undergoing treatment for it. She did admit that it was only then she began to take it serious. Sharing that he didn’t realize he hadn’t gone to the washroom all week until someone else told him. I shared with her moments in my family life when we were on the ground! Faced down in dog shit and just wallowing in a sea of dark, hazy moments. I let her know how real it is and that it isn’t recognizable until it is heavy and have consumed your life. I shared that we came out of our spiral with the help of friends. We also had to physically, mentally and spiritually push ourselves out of the grunge. Everyone in our life somehow hIMG_20160312_154903970 elped us to come from underneath the lowest of lows and pushed us to great heights. It was such a refreshing feeling being removed from a torrid life that now when a storm hit we laugh at it and tackle it head first. Knocking down all doors and stomping out all fires until we are back to where we need to be. We never ever want to go back to that place!

I spoke to a good friend this week about what it’s like having a mother with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) traits. How it can drain your life and make you completely on edge and constantly angry! Leading you to carrying around residual hardness for anyone! She, hanging around and toughing things out and me, completely disassociated; share the same frustration. It becomes too much to bare when you cannot get the other party to accept what you’re saying, even though you have witnessed episodes involving MULTIPLE people. They just continue to create toxic environments and relationships, one after the other, without assuming any blame. I shared that she will have to settle herself somewhere and either learn to deal with it and handle the triggers accordingly or continue to ‘rage against the machine’. There is no winning when it comes to mental illness. There is only compassion, care and once accepting their status; treatment. The face of mental illness can be as normal as ever, attack anyone momentarily and also be a visibly troubled individual. I wish we would speak about it more and remove the shame and stigma; especially from men. Till next time; mind your mental health!

Mind your mind, body and soul…

I like to write about the things no one tells you about when you’re about to enter ‘baby world’. Yesterday I had a conversation with my cousin and we spoke about dealing with family issues when you’ve just had a child and how you have to ‘mind’ yourself. It was so refreshing to hear this come from someone I didn’t quite expect.  I always thought my cousin was a bit weird, so to hear her speak about connecting to yourself and seeing about caring for IMG_20160520_152627615yourself and a child in the midst of contention between family; it really pleased me. I am not close to my mother and have not spoken to her in over 5 years. My cousin became the black sheep when she got pregnant out of wedlock because she had an extremely devoted religious mother. I purposely set that precedence because we can all connect with the characteristics of religious people. Now, having a child is a very traumatic experience and in some cases a tragedy. Having no one to lean on when going through this event will harden you for life. You will be scarred and left empty. You will be resentful and dubious about everything you’re doing with your life. I can tell you that all you need to do for the sake of that innocent child is to mind your mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health. Every second of your day should be given to your child and you. You will need to concede and decide that this is your time and nothing or no one deserves to plaster my child’s life with any negativity. I cannot begin to even explain how much help is needed when you become a parent. There are no words to describe the cluster fuck of emotions and moments that you will go through in a very short time and you cannot ever not deal. There are no vacations or days off, this is a 24 hour ongoing job that you must do yourself, completely. Every second that you IMG_20160523_123432321_HDR‘donate’ to dealing with bullshit in your life, is a second your child has lost. This is a very expensive charge and you cannot lose a dime or else you will miss out on so much with your child. You cannot give anyone not being positive and contributing to your life a single second. Entertaining drama, arguments and fights with someone who has nothing but discord in their heart for you is so toxic. Hold on to your mental health, free mind and clarity with a tight grip. I had my own squabbles with other members of my family when my son was born, absolutely no one came around. This was however my decision but it was not hers; we both had the same approach. This just goes to show that there is no other way. We became a solid rock of 3, no one else and we loved how close knit we are all growing to be. Plus, I could afford to never once make a fit about it because we knew our child was worth so much more. We were already so deadbeat, every time we had, had to be his. We became hermits; we became secluded and closed off and cold to some. People looking in never saw anything but a smiling happy baby. We taught our child happiness, joy, laughter and love before he was ever exposed to any kind of sadness. Some aren’t that lucky, and even entertain ideas that they made a mistake keeping and having their child. This is very easy to say and should be banished from all thought. A child is never a mistake, or an unfortunate event. Look at your child and promise them all of you, build a circle of positive ongoing support and eliminate all pressures. Do nothing more than savor, enjoy and revel as much as you can about being the best honest mother you can be. ‘Mind yourself’

Papa….

ThisIMG_20160521_145759065 father’s day compelled me to write, even though it isn’t my day. I am so filled with love today. So enamored by the wonderful examples of fathers I keep around me and my family. There is so much fucking respect given to so many young men I know that are there, doing the most and just being overly obnoxious IMG-20150502-WA0003because they are just so damn proud of their kids. I learned a long time ago to let a man be a man, and when fatherhood became a part of our life ‘work’, I did step back and let my husband be a dad. There were many times my heart leaped in my throat and I wanted to blast him off to the nether regions, but I held my tongue and let him be. Well, my, how he has blossomed. He is a full-fledged hands on dad and I am so grateful for him. My son has taught him so much about being unselfish and patience and about the importance of time and spending it wisely that I marvel at the man I married even more.

There have been so many events,
invitations extended, plans made and opportunities to engage in treachery and every time, he chose his family. Often touting, if his son cannot be present he will not go anywhere! I have taken some of his free passes for myself when I needed a breather.

It felt so good to wake up beside both boys today and the face he made when I presented him with a home-made gift of our sons footprints and his scribbles, told me he was in love. The thought of being someone’s father comes easily, the action quite fool-proof but the reality and magnitude of the task, once acted on is definitely merits an applause.  I salute my husband today, and all the good fathers out there.

pic20150429080442I wish so many a Happy Father’s Day knowing personally their positions in their children’s lives. Knowing personally how great it would have been to have a father growing up. Knowing personally how much I’ve worked on myself to not come  in the way and to ensure that my son will know a fathers love. I have, sat by the window waiting for a man that never came, wanting so much to be accepted as a good child by my father. He has, been heartbroken and left confused, wondering why he was responsible for his own fathers shortfalls.  Yet, despite the past, here we are, thriving. I am so thrilled that my son will never wait for his own father to choose him and be there because he, without question, my husband lives for this beautiful light in our lives. Thank you, we love you. A very happy Father’s day to you ‘Am’!