*Flashback Post*-November 3rd, 2013

I remember those days,

Timeless moments nothing could intercept,

Living for each moment, not thinking we had much time left,

Hours ran into days, ran into months into pains,

 

I remember those days,

Each day awoken with a smile,

Loving each second, each embrace,

Tethered by our souls, moving by grace,

 

I remember those days,

Time flew around us, yet our gaze stood still,

Time flew around us, but our traces lingered on each others skin,

Careless spirits, moving us through,

 

I remember those days,

Nothing ever mattered, nothing was our everything,

Talks that extended past wee hours,

No interests in seeing anything but each other

 

I remember those days,

Shamelessly submissive to your every word,

Fed from your words and your releases,

Full from all you embody and all you do,

 

I remember those days,

Falling into your arms was the single point I looked forward to in my days

Even just in candle light you seemed so great,

Naked and bare I still saw you as Adonis type gold

My every fibre focused on willing your eyes to just me

 

I remember those days,

If my tears would fall, so would yours too,

I’d be felt and heard and made to feel silly because you were there,

We were one being of burning heat and hope and love

We were open, our basic selves, feeding each others strengths

 

I remember those days,

Fingers tracing lightly on skin,

Tip toeing, stealing kisses, sneaking in,

Soft touches calls flutters in,

a glow and a constant happiness;grins

 

I remember those days

I ain’t felt that way in years.

*Flashback post*-Dec. 29th 2013

It is what’s in your soul that will be the only thing that will carry you through,

When faced with adversity, when your pureness has been compromised,

Fly, fly on…..just keep swimming, it’s not the end,

 

When you gave of yourself and received naught,

It is not the end for you, your kindness has not met defeat,

It has instead met tests for a stronger self, don’t forget.

 

Fly, carry on as you are,

Don’t change when met with grunge, debris and a witless heart,

You have done no ill in being kind, extending a hand and trying to change the times,

Never change because you’re hurt, be yourself someone will see your worth.

 

Never beat yourself up. Never expect a beast to give you a rose.

You introduced your naked soul and were rebuffed.

Life goes on, no matter how tough.

 

When the dust settles it will be clear,

You made a clearing in a dark place,

You loved the unloved.

Men who molest…

My country has waged a war against women. I feel sick to my bones with all that is happening. The sad part is, none of this is new. A couple weeks ago I sat listening to a friend as she spoke about how she forgave the man who molested her as a little girl. I sat quietly and didn’t particularly share as I didn’t want to hijack her moment. These things are very hard to discuss. I thought back to my main instance (s) of being molested. My mother had secured a ride for me to go to school with a gentleman who lived up the street. I was happy! I was off the bus, out of the hassle and most importantly, I’d be chauffeured to school. The morning commutes was brutal. It took two hours by transit to get to school and back. We lived in the country and I attended school in the city. The commuting struggle went on for years and is something I promised I’d never do to myself when I got older; not for me or my kids. I was constantly drained and tired, travelling was taxing. So, the new drive was welcomed. I enjoy sitting in the back quietly all the way to school. I remained polite every time I was spoken to. I was about 10 years old and dreaded being beaten. West Indian parents didn’t care to hear your side of the story, once they got a report of misbehaving, your ass would feelimg_20170124_002421539 the effects of their embarrassment.

Eventually, I started getting comfortable; naturally. It began with me nodding off periodically, to me fully laying face down on the back seat. I was tired! I figured it did no harm. This man would have to wake me up when I got to school but that wasn’t a crime either; I thought. I didn’t quite understand what happened the first time, but a few more times and I realized this was habitual. To wake me up, he would push his hand under my chest and squeeze my breasts. I felt ashamed. I was very ‘busty’ as a young girl and it was the source of many conversations; much to my disdain. One day when we were on a bus, my mother told me I could tell her anything. Looking back now, I wondered if my attitude had changed to prompt this and I told my mother and she ended that convenient ride immediately. This man’s second attempt came one night, there was a light out in the neighborhood and I was home alone with my candles lit. I had to take the bus home in the afternoons and stay inside until my mother came. She strictly instructed that I not let anyone in and I listened. Unaware of the morbid characters of the world and unwilling to find out I followed her lead.

On this night, he came to our house and said he had something for my mother. I cracked the door to collect it and he pulled the door open and came inside. I was petrified but I didn’t show it. I tried to handle things so that he would leave, he wouldn’t budge. He reached for me and squeezed my stomach and I pulled away. I pushed myself between the fridge and the table and told him he had to leave and that my mother would be home soon. He got up and said he’d see me later and just as he was walking out with his flashlight, my mother was home. I was relieved and scared in the same breath.  She was in a tizzy. I told her what happened and that he brought her a roll of hand towel!  Oh she was mad! I was relieved and sad. When she cried it broke me and when she called her friends and told them I was embarrassed and felt like a failure.  I didn’t know what to think of myself and have always had to hold men off. My worst fear in life is being raped and so I may be overly cautious and very direct to men that approach me.

My husband joked about how I completely stop when things get very aggressive during our intimate moments and I am not afraid to say it is because of my experiences why I am this way. I’ve had two uncles proudly approach me with offers that are along the lines of incest. One of which has been blessed with a daughter. I remember sitting on the bus beside a church brother and he kept his hand within firm reach of my breasts the entire ride. I was such a coward and did not say anything. All I did was ensure to never make the mistake of travelling with him again. I’ve had the hugs that lasted way too long and the release from these hugs that involved ones hands running across my chest. I cannot stress enough how much I will never trust the male species. The more I think about having a daughter, the more these memories and thoughts linger at the forefront of my mind. The more I get scared at how I won’t be there to save her should anything happen or that I would be too late. A friend talked about how his child mother entertained the same man that held her daughter down and I thought about how deprived and lonely you had to be keeping a man like this around. How sad your life is and how neglected and empty your child must feel. I know women aren’t the only ones being sexually assaulted and all around it’s sad.

I hope for great change in the world and that the innocence of children especially will be respected. To the world, I hope for peace. Please do the same…

Liabilities….

Sometimes when you find yourself at odds in your marriage, you question yourself a lot. You question your choices and if you should really be hanging on, or letting go of a lot of things. I’m not speaking of divorce. I’m speaking of things that never seem to change but rear their ugly heads at the worse times and make loving your spouse difficult. I’m speaking of words that have come back to bite you, that you don’t regret saying but probably should have kept hidden. Exposed vulnerabilities that caused you to be trapped in a cycle of ‘but you said this when’ and ‘how come I’m this when, but not that way when’. I’m speaking of those times when you have expressed appreciation and have had it taken advantage of. You begin to learn more and more about yourself and your partner the more you fight. You also change constantly and have to re-arrange how you do things in your life in relation to this person. When it comes to your children you are unapologetically you, annoying, over-doting and just down right every ‘meme’ of a parent that ever lived. You never seek to change to accommodate their request for you to stop, because you can’t help but be ‘parent’-like’. When it comes to a spouse though, those many times that you have had to ‘take a step back to focus’ comes with being a little more withdrawn every time. Somehow, you manage running back to the routine but with a much guarded face. The spoils of the war always comes with odd propositions like ‘you know you can tell me anything’ and you somehow want to say, ‘can I though?’ can I express adoration for you and not have it questioned when you’ve done something unfavorable? Not quite convinced, you learn to be devoted to keeping your thoughts modest and reserved. Every now and then though, you dip into your old ways…and I’ll let Sade tell it…..

Mental Illness faces….

I would like to discuss mental illness. There are two men that I always see around my community that are visibly mentally disabled. One of these men are often confrontational and aggressive to people on the streets. Today I saw him, and I guess it was my turn? I could see that he had raw bruises on his face; cheeks and nose. I also noticed that he had a bandana wrapped around a bloody wrist. I looked at him three times (I guess too many times) and he jumped up off the bench he was sitting on and asked if I had a problem. I shook my head ‘no’ and started running IMG_20160524_144906836away from where he was, without even looking if a bus was coming as I crossed the street. Another man was beside me and we looked at each other and quickened our steps at the same time. I started getting a bit anxious and so I ducked into a consignment store in case he decided to follow me. He didn’t but he was surely giving whoever was in the vicinity an earful. I restarted the podcast I was listening to and went on my merry way. While I feel happy for escaping what could have turned into a nightmare, I can’t help but feel sad. The bruises looked like they possible came from a fight. The other man that is always hanging around the train station is usually sitting on the ground, repetitively touching his shoulder with his chin. All why rocking back and forth. I guess I feel even more discontented because both men are people of colour (POC). Every time I see them I wonder where is their support? Does the city even have something in place for people living with this? And If there family knows where they are. I was in no way shape or form being belligerent to this young man; yet he could have attacked me. I have seen him with ‘gender socialized’ accessories such as false eyelashes, colorful head ties and even lipstick. It is fair to assume that he might be a homosexual man and I know homelessness is a very big issue in their community. I can’t help but shake the fact that these boys need help. It’s not like they are downright homeless and constantly begging, I’ve actually seen one of them beg once; but they are not well.

I spoke to a co-worker today about depression and she blatantly said she cannot fathom it. Wondering even if it is real and that her relative is undergoing treatment for it. She did admit that it was only then she began to take it serious. Sharing that he didn’t realize he hadn’t gone to the washroom all week until someone else told him. I shared with her moments in my family life when we were on the ground! Faced down in dog shit and just wallowing in a sea of dark, hazy moments. I let her know how real it is and that it isn’t recognizable until it is heavy and have consumed your life. I shared that we came out of our spiral with the help of friends. We also had to physically, mentally and spiritually push ourselves out of the grunge. Everyone in our life somehow hIMG_20160312_154903970 elped us to come from underneath the lowest of lows and pushed us to great heights. It was such a refreshing feeling being removed from a torrid life that now when a storm hit we laugh at it and tackle it head first. Knocking down all doors and stomping out all fires until we are back to where we need to be. We never ever want to go back to that place!

I spoke to a good friend this week about what it’s like having a mother with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) traits. How it can drain your life and make you completely on edge and constantly angry! Leading you to carrying around residual hardness for anyone! She, hanging around and toughing things out and me, completely disassociated; share the same frustration. It becomes too much to bare when you cannot get the other party to accept what you’re saying, even though you have witnessed episodes involving MULTIPLE people. They just continue to create toxic environments and relationships, one after the other, without assuming any blame. I shared that she will have to settle herself somewhere and either learn to deal with it and handle the triggers accordingly or continue to ‘rage against the machine’. There is no winning when it comes to mental illness. There is only compassion, care and once accepting their status; treatment. The face of mental illness can be as normal as ever, attack anyone momentarily and also be a visibly troubled individual. I wish we would speak about it more and remove the shame and stigma; especially from men. Till next time; mind your mental health!

Back to earth….

It’s been a lazy day at work and I spent my time pissing a friend off for fun. That is until I overheard a call that broke my heart. It was of my co-worker and his daughter and him giving her directions on how to bring his wife out of an attack of some sort.

It took the wind out of me and I felt immense sadness. At one point I was on the verge of tears when I heard her tell her dad she loves him and it will be ok. The thought, of a daughter telling her dad, who should be the strong one that she will make everything ok, hit home. I just wanted to go home and hug and kiss my family. Thank them for being with me, tell them I love them and that I’m grateful for their health and strength. Grateful for good health and that we have no serious problems that would require any major changes to our lives. I felt a bit broken for this guy and wondered how many times has he gone through this. How tired is he and fed up and if he himself is sad or need a shoulder to lean on. I felt sad for the brave little girl who called her dad and how he told her she did the right thing and he was proud of her.

I don’t know him personally but he taught me quite a lesson. There is so much contention in the world, we forget to give thanks and uplift one another and I am sorry for my part in that. I always try to be kind, as I can never tell what one is going through. However, I will take with me the lesson, that giving thanks is a bare minimum and showing appreciation is a privilege.   On another note, the daughter mentioned calling someone to help that said they won’t be coming. These things don’t happen by chance and we should learn to love each other more.

Walk with compassion in your heart and speak with love and admiration for others. Only good karma can come your way.

Have a blessed weekend!

Like a virgin….

Have you ever had a sad but funny memory flashback and you cannot help but try to bring yourself back to that time?

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14 years old with eyebrows like slugs….

So this is a sad but funny moment in my young life. When I was in high school I had this boyfriend that I was crazy about.  Mad, sickening, uncontrollably in love and I just couldn’t get over him for a while. Our song was Michael Jackson-Speechless and I sang every word with so much emotion and admiration. We had so many great memories and I loved that boy so much, I could just die when we broke up. Thankfully, I didn’t, things got ugly a while after and somehow, someone, somewhere brought me through the storm. See, I was always enamored by boys when I was younger, loving multiple at a time, sometimes without them even knowing about me. So, when I finally got over this one, I was perfectly fine getting caught up with the next beautiful soul that caught my eye. Oh to be a teen again!

Anyway, this story is about the time, my mother found out I was no longer a virgin.                             I was intimate with this boyfriend for a while, even though I was very young. We had a very ‘serious’ relationship and all his friends, even his parents knew me. That was huge, I wasn’t even over 16 at this time. I vividly remember his mother talking to me about being too young to be with him and me, smiling shyly because honestly his love was all I needed in the world. I felt like we could have run away together and we would be quite ok! Having the last ‘ah-ha!’ to naysayers and thriving as couple. This would never come to fruition. While we were wild together, he was always wild all the time. We did very wild things and had many experiences together that to this day still crack me up! So anyway, back to the story. My aunt was visiting from Canada, and so was a friend that goes to the same

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15 and 16…going on 40!

school as me. My boyfriend came to visit and we were lying in bed together. We starting making out and things got hot and heavy and right in front of both of them we engaged in a little coitus. Thinking we did so discreetly, I never discussed it with either one of them, because in my mind they never realized or saw what was happening because we were all supposed to be watching TV; not us! Silly me. That night my mother came home, she brought me to the back of the yard and drilled me. ‘Are you having sex?’ ‘Are you a virgin?’ ‘Are you lying?’ (Obviously, I wasn’t going to say yes), ‘Are you using protection and do you know you could get pregnant?’. I denied everything and thought I got off Scott free. I went back into the house and decided to go take a shower. I wanted to cool down before attacking my aunt and friend, but I couldn’t do it right away because my mother was following me and it would have been too obvious. So, I went straight to the shower. Now, I don’t know what came over this woman but she bust the door open and drew away the shower curtain and stared at me. I didn’t move and out of nowhere, ‘WHAM!’ one punch to the stomach. I doubled over and held my stomach while trying to keep from slipping and falling. She said nothing then walked right out and closed the door. I had stopped getting beatings a long time ago and thought, this was a whole different ball game, she was going to fight me. She cussed me out one last time over it and even cried to make me feel guilty. I didn’t feel guilty and he had said I could always be with him if I get put out, so to me, I would have been fine! Plus, I was spared a beat down, I absolutely positively did no see the lesson in all of this. That was the last time we ever addressed the subject and I was very grateful for that. I honestly can’t say a punch to the gut stopped or slowed me down, but I do know there was some distance in her parenting after that. My aunt admitted to being the rat and I’ve hated her guts since. My friend oddly enough was mad at the fact that I was deflowered and didn’t tell her I ‘did it’ before her. Sigh, teenagers; also on about the wrong things!!