Plants that bloom…

Throw those seeds around
This is dry land

Stress inducing efforts
But I stick to the plan

Forgiving hip rolls welcomes you
What you fear is not an easy do

The thing about life, is what makes life, life
No matter how much you wish and want; strife

I believe who wants, does not always get
The reasons surrounding why we cannot makes bets

Time is of the essence in body, not wherewithal
You constantly question, whether this may just be your fault

Patience is wearing thin
Misery starts to set in

Time and time again though
There is no giving up, no giving in

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This Is 30!

I couldn’t sleep all night because I was looking forward to this day. For weeks, I have been dreading the ‘big turn’. I was constantly telling friends for weeks about my plan for the day. I googled articles that list what changes when you ‘turn’. I googled  quotes about the dread of a life it becomes. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and drink and cry and draw on rose blunts until I somehow manifested into all I believe I should have at this age. 3-0. I have been sulking for weeks about what the age meant for my body and stereotypes. I shot down every plan to celebrate because all I really wanted to do was hide and stay under the covers until those posts wishing me well were at the bottom of everyone’s feed!

Alas, the day is here and I’m drawing blanks. There is no sadness at all. I blame Oprah. That Golden Globes speech recharged me. Conversations about it with a dear friend made me full. My life looks nothing like the history of my people and I should be grateful. I am healthy and able to use all motor skills without even thinking or assistance. I have a beautiful son who asked me to smile this morning. A darling husband that is just the most patient man in life. I am not hurt and no one in my family is ailing. Most importantly. I have life. The day is here and all I feel is joy. And lightness. I want to see everyone I love and have them shower me with admiration and praises. I want to be feasting on select cuts and crisp wine as I laugh heartily as people reminisce about stories about my crazy life. Or the past crazy year. I have so much to be grateful for. There is so much life within me, I haven’t been able to stop smiling.

The sad part is we’re going through an extremely rough patch right now. At the top of the year, we find ourselves really making some hard choices just to stay afloat. I am unemployed again, as my seasonal job is over. I do not have the qualifications I planned for. I don’t look like I want to and frankly don’t have to mental capacity to change that right now. We’re basically blowing through our savings with no contingency plan. My boots are literally taking in water (lol). My school fee is past due. My partners strength is unraveling a little bit more each day. I should be miserable and cursing the universe. I can’t even celebrate with a fancy dinner and fancy foil balloons; but I’m cheery. In the highest of spirits I have been in the past 3 months. I can’t be unhappy. I cannot wallow in darkness and close myself off from the world. I don’t want to be a depiction of Scrooge today. I cannot be consumed with race issues today, politics or the like. It isn’t fair to be sad. I must be and revel in aging gracefully and celebrate every part of the day; even my very ambitious BM. I am over the moon and on a high; partly sponsored by coffee. Today, my depression will not beat me to a pulp. I’ve been smiling constantly despite the abrasive weather. Every sweet message and well wish is like a falling Tetris block and I just might burst! I feel so loved and free. I cannot help, but, squeal! I’m not sure who does this, but I had planned to be a damsel of doom today; but I rebel!

I will treat myself to a modest lunch and cuddle with up with my joy today. After all, I turned 30!

Raker Man

Storyshucker

The tropical sun was intense but from the shade we sipped Pina Coladas and stared at the blue Caribbean. A vacation in the Dominican Republic! We staked claim to a favorite cabana and by afternoon were chatting with beachside neighbors. Diane in the next cabana knew a lot about the area and in the balmy breeze we compared notes on favorite restaurants as we enjoyed the beach.

The next hot day while eating lusciously ripe strawberries I caught sight of the trio working in the sun. We’d noticed the daily routine of these three whose job it was, apparently, to clear the beach each day of seaweed washed up during the night. They were a motley band in ragged clothes. Locals in need of work I supposed, and hard work it was. Each day they scoured the beach, raking and hauling debris. An older worker lagged behind. The effort it…

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Corporate Catfish….

 I always hear about cases where people have panic attacks and serious effects on their lives due to pressure from their jobs. I just never thought that would ever be me. I make the best of every situation I’m thrown and live positively. As I try to take life one day at a time, my mental strength is waning. I constantly think back on a recent work experience and how I made a bed for myself that was consistently painful. I chose this job and it was the worst work experience ever. There were so many great things about the job. The people outside of my department were very respectful, I loved the work, the company perks were amazing. There was opportunities popping up all the time and the company pride was strong. It was one of those companies that people stay at for years and eventually their family members join and do the same. Unfortunately, my role changed my life for the worst. I’m fleshing it out now on this here blog because I feel like I need to talk about it one last time and be done. This experience still has my brain hurting and foggy and when I resigned I felt like the beating was over. Except I didn’t feel relief, I felt like I was going in a downward spiral due to lack of stability. I no longer have a full-time job. I am however going to University but the uncertainty of how certain things will be covered leaves me weary and unable to concentrate. See, I have been known to go to school and work full-time, even after being a mother. It was a feat I mastered many times before but doing this at this company would have been the death of me. I held on for 8 months because of my family. It was such a draining environment for me, I began to see the parts of myself I loved slip away. There were times I had to look at pictures of my son to center myself. I could no longer bring myself to smile or even laugh when interacting with others from my team. I was always in a state of bewilderment and awe at the gall of my team members. I just never worked with people who were so clear in their message that I did not matter. It was so odd and perturbing, but I refused to give up until mentally, I was losing it. I tried meditating when hit with pressure but I couldn’t find my breathe until I added weird images. I would try to take deep breaths with my eyes closed, but I wouldn’t actually be calm until I sat still and replayed images of people doing a Tai Chi routine.  It was forcing myself to follow their rhythm that helped me quell my anxiety. I was always so anxious about work and my spouse pointed this out and opened the floodgates for tears. I had a nervous breakdown one day that shocked even him. Neither of us had ever encountered work stress on this level. I felt depressed. I didn’t feel like a victim, I more felt like I was being challenged but without a paddle to save myself. I couldn’t trust anyone. I felt like someone else was controlling my record and there was nothing I could do about it, I was to be under their thumb at all times. My manager was so absentee it made no sense causing an alarm, he didn’t have the time. People I considered peers/mentors were even advising me to retaliate with lashes but I just could not find my voice. After a few months when I gained a bit of confidence in my abilities, I attempted to defend myself and was met with a conference call to discuss my work and lack thereof. I was floored as this was real life. Everything I did incorrectly was emailed to my manager with the entire team cc’d on it with screenshots and the works. As a new person, I was so confused by this ‘call out’ trait and when I inquired was given confirmation that I was indeed being ‘reported’. There were times when it was even for things I didn’t know how to do or hadn’t been trained on. I thought it so bizarre how people refused to communicate directly to me in order to help me but would then say we’re a ‘team’. It was hodgepodge mind fuck of constant changes and finger pointing. When no one from my team but the 1 person that does the same thing as me spoke to me about my resignation; I didn’t mind. My manager spoke to me about my leaving as well, but just because it is an obvious formality. In an effort to gain wisdom on corporate going ons, I spoke to my Grand Aunt about my experiences and she told me they were making it clear they were glad I was leaving. This offended me a bit but also gave me closure. I know I didn’t give that job my best; I simply couldn’t find it, so I know she is right. I was glad to be leaving as well. I wasn’t ever on my ‘A’ game because I felt like I kept being knocked off the podium, I made a lot of mistakes and was extremely withdrawn into myself. I just couldn’t trust them. I didn’t intend to make friends, but it was like I had made enemies without them even knowing anything about me. None of them I’d seen before but one thing was for sure; that company was theirs and no one else’s! The way they treated me when I had a death in my family, sealed certain things for me and I pitied them. I felt sad for the karma that will grip their lives.

While I work on getting myself back to a good place and practice calming my mind when a thousand thoughts race to the forefront, I can’t help but try to let this devastation go. I can’t help but speak about how detrimental a horrible work life can be. In my own time of pulling myself out of the gutter, I wish that others will find the strength and courage to move on for their own health. Most importantly that opportunity will find them and heal their hearts. I wish for space and room for their brain to breathe so that they do not lose balance there and become weak. I wish that others in similar situations will hold on to at least hope that change will come.        

*Flashback Post*-November 3rd, 2013

I remember those days,

Timeless moments nothing could intercept,

Living for each moment, not thinking we had much time left,

Hours ran into days, ran into months into pains,

 

I remember those days,

Each day awoken with a smile,

Loving each second, each embrace,

Tethered by our souls, moving by grace,

 

I remember those days,

Time flew around us, yet our gaze stood still,

Time flew around us, but our traces lingered on each others skin,

Careless spirits, moving us through,

 

I remember those days,

Nothing ever mattered, nothing was our everything,

Talks that extended past wee hours,

No interests in seeing anything but each other

 

I remember those days,

Shamelessly submissive to your every word,

Fed from your words and your releases,

Full from all you embody and all you do,

 

I remember those days,

Falling into your arms was the single point I looked forward to in my days

Even just in candle light you seemed so great,

Naked and bare I still saw you as Adonis type gold

My every fibre focused on willing your eyes to just me

 

I remember those days,

If my tears would fall, so would yours too,

I’d be felt and heard and made to feel silly because you were there,

We were one being of burning heat and hope and love

We were open, our basic selves, feeding each others strengths

 

I remember those days,

Fingers tracing lightly on skin,

Tip toeing, stealing kisses, sneaking in,

Soft touches calls flutters in,

a glow and a constant happiness;grins

 

I remember those days

I ain’t felt that way in years.

*Flashback post*-Dec. 29th 2013

It is what’s in your soul that will be the only thing that will carry you through,

When faced with adversity, when your pureness has been compromised,

Fly, fly on…..just keep swimming, it’s not the end,

 

When you gave of yourself and received naught,

It is not the end for you, your kindness has not met defeat,

It has instead met tests for a stronger self, don’t forget.

 

Fly, carry on as you are,

Don’t change when met with grunge, debris and a witless heart,

You have done no ill in being kind, extending a hand and trying to change the times,

Never change because you’re hurt, be yourself someone will see your worth.

 

Never beat yourself up. Never expect a beast to give you a rose.

You introduced your naked soul and were rebuffed.

Life goes on, no matter how tough.

 

When the dust settles it will be clear,

You made a clearing in a dark place,

You loved the unloved.