I couldn’t sleep all night because I was looking forward to this day. For weeks, I have been dreading the ‘big turn’. I was constantly telling friends for weeks about my plan for the day. I googled articles that list what changes when you ‘turn’. I googled quotes about the dread of a life it becomes. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and drink and cry and draw on rose blunts until I somehow manifested into all I believe I should have at this age. 3-0. I have been sulking for weeks about what the age meant for my body and stereotypes. I shot down every plan to celebrate because all I really wanted to do was hide and stay under the covers until those posts wishing me well were at the bottom of everyone’s feed!
Alas, the day is here and I’m drawing blanks. There is no sadness at all. I blame Oprah. That Golden Globes speech recharged me. Conversations about it with a dear friend made me full. My life looks nothing like the history of my people and I should be grateful. I am healthy and able to use all motor skills without even thinking or assistance. I have a beautiful son who asked me to smile this morning. A darling husband that is just the most patient man in life. I am not hurt and no one in my family is ailing. Most importantly. I have life. The day is here and all I feel is joy. And lightness. I want to see everyone I love and have them shower me with admiration and praises. I want to be feasting on select cuts and crisp wine as I laugh heartily as people reminisce about stories about my crazy life. Or the past crazy year. I have so much to be grateful for. There is so much life within me, I haven’t been able to stop smiling.
The sad part is we’re going through an extremely rough patch right now. At the top of the year, we find ourselves really making some hard choices just to stay afloat. I am unemployed again, as my seasonal job is over. I do not have the qualifications I planned for. I don’t look like I want to and frankly don’t have to mental capacity to change that right now. We’re basically blowing through our savings with no contingency plan. My boots are literally taking in water (lol). My school fee is past due. My partners strength is unraveling a little bit more each day. I should be miserable and cursing the universe. I can’t even celebrate with a fancy dinner and fancy foil balloons; but I’m cheery. In the highest of spirits I have been in the past 3 months. I can’t be unhappy. I cannot wallow in darkness and close myself off from the world. I don’t want to be a depiction of Scrooge today. I cannot be consumed with race issues today, politics or the like. It isn’t fair to be sad. I must be and revel in aging gracefully and celebrate every part of the day; even my very ambitious BM. I am over the moon and on a high; partly sponsored by coffee. Today, my depression will not beat me to a pulp. I’ve been smiling constantly despite the abrasive weather. Every sweet message and well wish is like a falling Tetris block and I just might burst! I feel so loved and free. I cannot help, but, squeal! I’m not sure who does this, but I had planned to be a damsel of doom today; but I rebel!
I will treat myself to a modest lunch and cuddle with up with my joy today. After all, I turned 30!