I like to write about the things no one tells you about when you’re about to enter ‘baby world’. Yesterday I had a conversation with my cousin and we spoke about dealing with family issues when you’ve just had a child and how you have to ‘mind’ yourself. It was so refreshing to hear this come from someone I didn’t quite expect. I always thought my cousin was a bit weird, so to hear her speak about connecting to yourself and seeing about caring for yourself and a child in the midst of contention between family; it really pleased me. I am not close to my mother and have not spoken to her in over 5 years. My cousin became the black sheep when she got pregnant out of wedlock because she had an extremely devoted religious mother. I purposely set that precedence because we can all connect with the characteristics of religious people. Now, having a child is a very traumatic experience and in some cases a tragedy. Having no one to lean on when going through this event will harden you for life. You will be scarred and left empty. You will be resentful and dubious about everything you’re doing with your life. I can tell you that all you need to do for the sake of that innocent child is to mind your mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health. Every second of your day should be given to your child and you. You will need to concede and decide that this is your time and nothing or no one deserves to plaster my child’s life with any negativity. I cannot begin to even explain how much help is needed when you become a parent. There are no words to describe the cluster fuck of emotions and moments that you will go through in a very short time and you cannot ever not deal. There are no vacations or days off, this is a 24 hour ongoing job that you must do yourself, completely. Every second that you ‘donate’ to dealing with bullshit in your life, is a second your child has lost. This is a very expensive charge and you cannot lose a dime or else you will miss out on so much with your child. You cannot give anyone not being positive and contributing to your life a single second. Entertaining drama, arguments and fights with someone who has nothing but discord in their heart for you is so toxic. Hold on to your mental health, free mind and clarity with a tight grip. I had my own squabbles with other members of my family when my son was born, absolutely no one came around. This was however my decision but it was not hers; we both had the same approach. This just goes to show that there is no other way. We became a solid rock of 3, no one else and we loved how close knit we are all growing to be. Plus, I could afford to never once make a fit about it because we knew our child was worth so much more. We were already so deadbeat, every time we had, had to be his. We became hermits; we became secluded and closed off and cold to some. People looking in never saw anything but a smiling happy baby. We taught our child happiness, joy, laughter and love before he was ever exposed to any kind of sadness. Some aren’t that lucky, and even entertain ideas that they made a mistake keeping and having their child. This is very easy to say and should be banished from all thought. A child is never a mistake, or an unfortunate event. Look at your child and promise them all of you, build a circle of positive ongoing support and eliminate all pressures. Do nothing more than savor, enjoy and revel as much as you can about being the best honest mother you can be. ‘Mind yourself’
Immigration is so simple to some people. However, there is so much heart break and brokenness with the process.
Acclimatizing to a place you have no rights to is very draining. There is no history in a land you may have never even visited before. There is no security in a place you need because you cannot go back home. Wreckage surrounds your life and glooms leers at your soul for as long as you are unstable. I always say that only the bravest people immigrate and not break. You have to have heart and guts to lift your life up on your shoulders and carry it for months, years before you find some peace. People can complicate the process for you and they just might bless your situation. I don’t know of a bigger thing in my life than fighting every single day to feel at home in a country where I was not born. As much as I do not feel safe at times being home, that is the place that connects to my core. When I visit, I can relax, I am calm; everything is familiar. Everything is sweet and natural. The living is temporary but the relief is lasting and enough. The relationships you form in foreign lands are so forged and fickle. You’re forced to co-exist with sworn enemies and your one commonality makes you forgive your biases. The relationships are fleeting though and even your own people disappoint. There isn’t a certainty as to how far you can go with people here because you do not know them. You do not know their story, history, you did not grow up together or know anyone that knows each other. You take only what they give you and return less or the same, never quite knowing who’s who or what. It’s a conveyor belt of mannequin faces in and out of your life daily. No one breaks the order as it’s a basic be cordial and exist type of deal. You don’t even feel relevant but you all know this is your place now and you have to make due. My favorite thing to reminisce on is my change of life. In my home country I can be wild and prolific. In this country you keep your head down and work hard. When you throw having a family in the circle, you become a cycle of a work-sleep-work-sleep, survival pattern. There is no neighbor to beg a cup of sugar because you’ve probably never met them. There is no family ‘yard’ to bank on for even family visits are limited and ‘hosted’. Life is difficult by tenfold is you are undocumented. This experience is enough to break the strongest man and reduce him to a fledgling beggar. Feeling unconquered with every action. Living becomes a treasure map of constantly selecting the best and safest risky option that allows you to survive but not get deported. The inherent shock, uncertainty and uneasiness mars you for years to come but are lessons that keep you grounded. A karma that isn’t quite explained. There is also the enigma of being grateful to have the opportunity to live in a more advanced, safe country but hating its people. Seeing them as useless, undeserving and unfairly privileged for never having to struggle. Forgiving them only at the thought of your child being as lucky as they are. Alas, the joy of the migrant life comes from what you build and become for yourself. Lacking the traditions of your native society forces you to form your own curve. Forces you to pick what you want from this new culture and shamelessly discard the parts that do nothing but disgust you and shit on your values. It isn’t until you accept your situation and develop a life that is concurrent with your needs and budget, conditions and limitations that you begin to truly live. No longer existing but aggressively acing and progressing. The spark in life comes in letting go of the struggle and feeling winded and embracing the vulgarities you’re thrown. The dust will settle when you boldly and happily face the good, bad and the ugly while providing an acceptable life for those you are responsible for.