Back to earth….

It’s been a lazy day at work and I spent my time pissing a friend off for fun. That is until I overheard a call that broke my heart. It was of my co-worker and his daughter and him giving her directions on how to bring his wife out of an attack of some sort.

It took the wind out of me and I felt immense sadness. At one point I was on the verge of tears when I heard her tell her dad she loves him and it will be ok. The thought, of a daughter telling her dad, who should be the strong one that she will make everything ok, hit home. I just wanted to go home and hug and kiss my family. Thank them for being with me, tell them I love them and that I’m grateful for their health and strength. Grateful for good health and that we have no serious problems that would require any major changes to our lives. I felt a bit broken for this guy and wondered how many times has he gone through this. How tired is he and fed up and if he himself is sad or need a shoulder to lean on. I felt sad for the brave little girl who called her dad and how he told her she did the right thing and he was proud of her.

I don’t know him personally but he taught me quite a lesson. There is so much contention in the world, we forget to give thanks and uplift one another and I am sorry for my part in that. I always try to be kind, as I can never tell what one is going through. However, I will take with me the lesson, that giving thanks is a bare minimum and showing appreciation is a privilege.   On another note, the daughter mentioned calling someone to help that said they won’t be coming. These things don’t happen by chance and we should learn to love each other more.

Walk with compassion in your heart and speak with love and admiration for others. Only good karma can come your way.

Have a blessed weekend!

Like a virgin….

Have you ever had a sad but funny memory flashback and you cannot help but try to bring yourself back to that time?

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14 years old with eyebrows like slugs….

So this is a sad but funny moment in my young life. When I was in high school I had this boyfriend that I was crazy about.  Mad, sickening, uncontrollably in love and I just couldn’t get over him for a while. Our song was Michael Jackson-Speechless and I sang every word with so much emotion and admiration. We had so many great memories and I loved that boy so much, I could just die when we broke up. Thankfully, I didn’t, things got ugly a while after and somehow, someone, somewhere brought me through the storm. See, I was always enamored by boys when I was younger, loving multiple at a time, sometimes without them even knowing about me. So, when I finally got over this one, I was perfectly fine getting caught up with the next beautiful soul that caught my eye. Oh to be a teen again!

Anyway, this story is about the time, my mother found out I was no longer a virgin.                             I was intimate with this boyfriend for a while, even though I was very young. We had a very ‘serious’ relationship and all his friends, even his parents knew me. That was huge, I wasn’t even over 16 at this time. I vividly remember his mother talking to me about being too young to be with him and me, smiling shyly because honestly his love was all I needed in the world. I felt like we could have run away together and we would be quite ok! Having the last ‘ah-ha!’ to naysayers and thriving as couple. This would never come to fruition. While we were wild together, he was always wild all the time. We did very wild things and had many experiences together that to this day still crack me up! So anyway, back to the story. My aunt was visiting from Canada, and so was a friend that goes to the same

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15 and 16…going on 40!

school as me. My boyfriend came to visit and we were lying in bed together. We starting making out and things got hot and heavy and right in front of both of them we engaged in a little coitus. Thinking we did so discreetly, I never discussed it with either one of them, because in my mind they never realized or saw what was happening because we were all supposed to be watching TV; not us! Silly me. That night my mother came home, she brought me to the back of the yard and drilled me. ‘Are you having sex?’ ‘Are you a virgin?’ ‘Are you lying?’ (Obviously, I wasn’t going to say yes), ‘Are you using protection and do you know you could get pregnant?’. I denied everything and thought I got off Scott free. I went back into the house and decided to go take a shower. I wanted to cool down before attacking my aunt and friend, but I couldn’t do it right away because my mother was following me and it would have been too obvious. So, I went straight to the shower. Now, I don’t know what came over this woman but she bust the door open and drew away the shower curtain and stared at me. I didn’t move and out of nowhere, ‘WHAM!’ one punch to the stomach. I doubled over and held my stomach while trying to keep from slipping and falling. She said nothing then walked right out and closed the door. I had stopped getting beatings a long time ago and thought, this was a whole different ball game, she was going to fight me. She cussed me out one last time over it and even cried to make me feel guilty. I didn’t feel guilty and he had said I could always be with him if I get put out, so to me, I would have been fine! Plus, I was spared a beat down, I absolutely positively did no see the lesson in all of this. That was the last time we ever addressed the subject and I was very grateful for that. I honestly can’t say a punch to the gut stopped or slowed me down, but I do know there was some distance in her parenting after that. My aunt admitted to being the rat and I’ve hated her guts since. My friend oddly enough was mad at the fact that I was deflowered and didn’t tell her I ‘did it’ before her. Sigh, teenagers; also on about the wrong things!!

 

Mind your mind, body and soul…

I like to write about the things no one tells you about when you’re about to enter ‘baby world’. Yesterday I had a conversation with my cousin and we spoke about dealing with family issues when you’ve just had a child and how you have to ‘mind’ yourself. It was so refreshing to hear this come from someone I didn’t quite expect.  I always thought my cousin was a bit weird, so to hear her speak about connecting to yourself and seeing about caring for IMG_20160520_152627615yourself and a child in the midst of contention between family; it really pleased me. I am not close to my mother and have not spoken to her in over 5 years. My cousin became the black sheep when she got pregnant out of wedlock because she had an extremely devoted religious mother. I purposely set that precedence because we can all connect with the characteristics of religious people. Now, having a child is a very traumatic experience and in some cases a tragedy. Having no one to lean on when going through this event will harden you for life. You will be scarred and left empty. You will be resentful and dubious about everything you’re doing with your life. I can tell you that all you need to do for the sake of that innocent child is to mind your mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health. Every second of your day should be given to your child and you. You will need to concede and decide that this is your time and nothing or no one deserves to plaster my child’s life with any negativity. I cannot begin to even explain how much help is needed when you become a parent. There are no words to describe the cluster fuck of emotions and moments that you will go through in a very short time and you cannot ever not deal. There are no vacations or days off, this is a 24 hour ongoing job that you must do yourself, completely. Every second that you IMG_20160523_123432321_HDR‘donate’ to dealing with bullshit in your life, is a second your child has lost. This is a very expensive charge and you cannot lose a dime or else you will miss out on so much with your child. You cannot give anyone not being positive and contributing to your life a single second. Entertaining drama, arguments and fights with someone who has nothing but discord in their heart for you is so toxic. Hold on to your mental health, free mind and clarity with a tight grip. I had my own squabbles with other members of my family when my son was born, absolutely no one came around. This was however my decision but it was not hers; we both had the same approach. This just goes to show that there is no other way. We became a solid rock of 3, no one else and we loved how close knit we are all growing to be. Plus, I could afford to never once make a fit about it because we knew our child was worth so much more. We were already so deadbeat, every time we had, had to be his. We became hermits; we became secluded and closed off and cold to some. People looking in never saw anything but a smiling happy baby. We taught our child happiness, joy, laughter and love before he was ever exposed to any kind of sadness. Some aren’t that lucky, and even entertain ideas that they made a mistake keeping and having their child. This is very easy to say and should be banished from all thought. A child is never a mistake, or an unfortunate event. Look at your child and promise them all of you, build a circle of positive ongoing support and eliminate all pressures. Do nothing more than savor, enjoy and revel as much as you can about being the best honest mother you can be. ‘Mind yourself’

Immigrant liberties and locks….

Immigration is so simple to some people. However, there is so much heart break and brokenness with the process.

immiAcclimatizing to a place you have no rights to is very draining. There is no history in a land you may have never even visited before. There is no security in a place you need because you cannot go back home. Wreckage surrounds your life and glooms leers at your soul for as long as you are unstable. I always say that only the bravest people immigrate and not break. You have to have heart and guts to lift your life up on your shoulders and carry it for months, years before you find some peace. People can complicate the process for you and they just might bless your situation. I don’t know of a bigger thing in my life than fighting every single day to feel at home in a country where I was not born. As much as I do not feel safe at times being home, that is the place that connects to my core. When I visit, I can relax, I am calm; everything is familiar. Everything is sweet and natural. The living is temporary but the relief is lasting and enough. The relationships you form in foreign lands are so forged and fickle. You’re forced to co-exist with sworn enemies and your one commonality makes you forgive your biases. The relationships are fleeting though and even your own people disappoint. There isn’t a certainty as to how far you can go with people here because you do not know them. You do not know their story, history, you did not grow up together or know anyone that knows each other. You take only what they give you and return less or the same, never quite knowing who’s who or what. It’s a conveyor belt of mannequin faces in and out of your life daily. No one breaks the order as it’s a basic be cordial and exist type of deal. You don’t even feel relevant but you all know this is your place now and you have to make due. My favorite thing to reminisce on is my change of life. In my home country I can be wild and prolific. In this country you keep your head down and work hard. When you throw having a family in the circle, you become a cycle of a Untitledwork-sleep-work-sleep, survival pattern. There is no neighbor to beg a cup of sugar because you’ve probably never met them. There is no family ‘yard’ to bank on for even family visits are limited and ‘hosted’. Life is difficult by tenfold is you are undocumented. This experience is enough to break the strongest man and reduce him to a fledgling beggar. Feeling unconquered with every action. Living becomes a treasure map of constantly selecting the best and safest risky option that allows you to survive but not get deported. The inherent shock, uncertainty and uneasiness mars you for years to come but are lessons that keep you grounded. A karma that isn’t quite explained. There is also the enigma of being grateful to have the opportunity to live in a more advanced, safe country but hating its people. Seeing them as useless, undeserving and unfairly privileged for never having to struggle. Forgiving them only at the thought of your child being as lucky as they are. Alas, the joy of the migrant life comes from what you build and become for yourself. Lacking the traditions of your native society forces you to form your own curve. Forces you to pick what you want from this new culture and shamelessly discard the parts that do nothing but disgust you and shit on your values. It isn’t until you accept your situation and develop a life that is concurrent with your needs and budget, conditions and limitations that you begin to truly live. No longer existing but aggressively acing and progressing. The spark in life comes in letting go of the struggle and feeling winded and embracing the vulgarities you’re thrown. The dust will settle when you boldly and happily face the good, bad and the ugly while providing an acceptable life for those you are responsible for.

Work world wars…

My ability to not get attached to people sometimes inspires and scares me. There are times though when it is completely warranted and you need to detach immediately. It is difficult to not form cliques within the work place and these relationship gets strained when placed in a do or die situation. This is when you will see the blur in the lines of your work/personal relationship and maybe you end up being lucky enough to have a successful outcome. I’ll tell you what I don’t do ever, and that is to put a ‘friend’ above my role. I cannot fairly be asked to do so either, so when ‘friends’ become enraged at me completing my tasks and willing them to do their jobs. I find it very comforting and easy to kindly slip out of their lives. You do not respect me or my job and therefore we cannot continue a friendship knowing I am being taken for a joke. Needless to say, I will tell you when you are being out of line and ask you to stop prior to dismissing you from my life. I will directly ask that you not do certain things as well. When you cannot see the error of your ways and blatantly disregard the fact that what you have done is not only unfair, disrespectful but very disgusting; I, oddly become very grateful. It cements my perceptions and makes it entirely easier to pass on you in a friendly manner. We can always keep things professional, this is our obligation. I will never risk my job for someone who does not pay my bills or contribute to my family life. No one should. Ever. Humans are too fickle and watching them revel in being ‘wrong and strong’ is always disappointing but definitely needed to enable a purge. This isn’t the first time I have had to play a part in a situation such as this and it has never been a bad decision. I remember the first time I witnessed this happen to another friend and we were both shocked at how seamlessly this person was cut off. It later happened that I had to do the same to this ‘friend’ and I understood it and would do it again in a heartbeat; especially since she ended up being terminated. It can be argued that some co-workers cannot be your friends and you should never feel guilty about this. I remember I lost work friends when they did lay-offs at my company. I had no part in the decision making and while I was spared, I was also immediately blocked and deleted. For shame, I think I stupidly felt guilty about this for a while until I gained a bit more experience in the work world. Sadly, you just have to move on. Don’t complicate things and don’t be afraid to limit your interactions with a lot of people you work with; it can only do you a world of good!

Family pressure….

My family has been working on their relationship with each other for quite some time. It has been endearing and a bit nauseating at times. However, the creation of a family WhatsApp group has really being sealing the seams.  It just cannot settle with me and I don’t know why. Also, I’m a tad bit annoyed by those feelings. See, there are over 70 people in this one side of my family, stemming from 13 children; so the size is a problem when it comes to being close. I just can’t help my fears though. I don’t want to be invested in a relationship that may falter and just fade into evanescence. I am struggling with this because whenever we end up together, it is a barrel full of laughs and I love to laugh. It is usually very fun and a great deal of time is spent feeding the ego of the older generations that can’t seem to come to grips with their age. Just thinking about our ‘jazz’ is making me crack up inside. Yet here I am, lulled by the expiry that is to come for this joy. Saddened at the limit they take on their own awakenings, awakenings that can do nothing more than better themselves. To make them more welcoming and a pleasure to be around. Perturbed at the fact that maybe my time is being wasted but definitely grateful to this time.