I watched silently, intently as my friend cried. I did not move to offer her a piece of tissue to wipe her tears or speak up to quell her fears. She was almost half way there. Infant loss is indescribable, you cannot point to where it hurts and get it assessed and healed. Once she convinced herself that she spoke about it enough for that moment I imparted my well wishes. I felt so sour for her as women unfortunately, are left having to let others in on their demise. Replaying every bit and piece. Every. Single. Time. Being there as the emptiness weighs you down and gets dragged on with every breath you take.
My experience was that it wasn’t confirmed. I had unexplained bleeding for a couple of months and they couldn’t diagnose it as a definite miscarriage. I felt shorted, incomplete and confused. I was given birth control to regulate my periods and completed ultrasounds that revealed huge cysts. I did not know how to feel. I did not want to say I felt
relieved as this was not a good time in our lives, but I also wanted what could have been my baby. I dived into research and wrote down every herb, rock, sand, incense, essence, crystal that would bring me some closure. I was going to experiment, then I lost my info, I thought ok forget it. I stumbled upon one of my post-its a couple weeks ago when I was moving and was almost brought to tears reminiscing about how broken and confused we were. How hard something we weren’t sure of, hurt so bad. One thing that came forward was that we never really spoke about it. We were newlyweds who weren’t sure what we were doing or even how to love each other. Communication was not one of our strong points.
I have listened and encouraged as a young wife vented to be about her conceiving process and the hand she was dealt. I held hands with a friend as she faced the untimely removal of the necessary plumbing. While I did not get as far as any of them did, I knew the hopelessness and fatigue. There is waning and exasperation that comes with wanting to bring a life into this world. I knew the yearning and all the things women tell themselves to make it ‘ok’, to buy some time and to make peace with having a marriage that isn’t what you want, just to ensure you don’t seem unreasonable. Added stress comes in the form of feelings of not being good enough. You think you’re holding your husband back from his true potential as a father. That it’s your fault why your parents don’t have grandchildren and your siblings won’t have nieces and nephews to spoil.
The yearning becomes so real, you promise so much for this young life, almost tasting the moment when you get to smell your baby’s sweet scent and rub their perfect skin. When things don’t happen or close encounters are lost without an explanation, you die a little bit inside every time and numbness replaces your loss. I want to say that if you ever have the opportunity to be a confidante during these time or for this issue, never stop being there for updates and check ins. Often times when women stop talking about being able to bear a child, its then that they have either completely given up on the idea or are in a really horrible place; mentally. Be the anchor they can always run to. Sometimes an avenue to explode is all that’s needed. I remember when family and friends kept asking me when they would be getting a baby to hug and to hold. I went from genuinely being sweet to being downright upset every time. I could not fathom the obliviousness, especially when I have expressed the need in the past. In couples, when it hasn’t happened; mind your business. When I change the subject every time, do you think you insisting on speaking on the issue is what I need in my life right then? It just hasn’t happened and you asking about it every time don’t make it easier. In fact, it creates haunting pangs and jolts that snap you back to reality. My reality.