Going to College as a mature student is not the same as going to College as a mother. Especially when you have had to stop going to school, then re-enter your course. Everyone I started school with is long gone; hopefully to gainful employment. I simply have no choice but to fade to the back and let those young, vibrant kids lead the pack. Especially since, you know, I’m now the granny! I realize also how lost young adults are and how many think the ditzy, airhead, word dragging persona is so cute! Worse when you find out how bad of an act it really is (seriously, do you speak like this around your mother?!). Also, so many of them despise getting an education which is the key to career advancement!
I have no interest in addressing the catty, bitchy attitudes from this impressionable generation and is at my quota of f-bombs being used after EVERY. SINGLE. WORD! I can’t let group conflicts affect my temperament around my son as he needs the best of me. I also don’t have the time and really just want to get work done so that I can get back to the kisses and kicks. Oh and for the love of God! The stares that befall me when people find out I have a child burns like someone turned a floodlight towards me.
I don’t know who dropped an album last week, understand the Kylie Jenner’s lip kit crisis of being sold out (at that price too!) or the correct words to the latest song. I probably have been wearing the same outfit all week and my hair is disheveled and every meal is coffee and some sorta wrap on the go. I promise I don’t smell though! No, you cannot shop online while we are doing school work! Whatever the hell just got released is definitely way too expensive! Yes, I shop at the supermarket; leggings are my life and no I don’t own those overpriced Roots sweatpants. Pretty sure I used ‘dude’, ‘brah’ and ‘guy’ incorrectly many times today. No, I don’t need to upgrade my laptop (that costs money, hello) and yes a Surface would be nice. Finally, I’m not that old so please DO NOT call me Miss or Ma’am!
No, I don’t expect pity, or wish to be understood. I just notice more now that my priorities are very different. I can’t meet up to drink all night long or randomly meet my groups when meeting plans pop up out of nowhere. Mommy brain plus over tiredness is ruining my life and being smart with my wits about me has proven to be very challenging. My apologies for not being able to pay attention but this class time away from my baby is perfect for me to pay my bills or google what the hell that sound is that baby keeps making, how to get his stool softer and even finish work for another class. Yes, I just pulled a bib or baby mittens out of my pockets and they’re there only because he refuses to keep them on. Sigh!
I believe the worse part of all is the guilt of having to leave him in the care of someone else because mommy is behind on her life goals. Missing my son comes a close second and when we do see each other we hug and fawn over each other like old friends reuniting after years of being apart. I fear he won’t need me as much and so I consciously work on my breastfeeding supply. Can’t shake the feeling but every time he nurses feels like the only thing that I am doing right for him; for now.