Lull…

As if the boat wasn’t overloaded and heavy with a number of various things, life did me in with the passing of a relative. My heart broke for my aunt and other family members as I watched them intently at his burial. I felt for her on so many levels as she lost a husband of 41years. One thing is sure and abrupt and it’s death. Ensure those that should know are told you love them and forgive others a little more each day.

Until my life gets a bit more pleasant, there’s always glorious bowls of caramel pecan apple pie and ice cream;-)

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Chocolate Covered Strawberries….

This is a flashback post that had been written back in Oct. 22nd, 2011, after sullen times.

I know a lot you can relate as relationships go through a lot of trials; please enjoy.

He sent me chocolate covered Strawberries today…
A bear and request that made me say….
I’d marry the man of my dreams, my soldier….
When I came home he also cooked, made a lovely dinner….
I ate in admiration and loved every last drop….
I ate and watch his every move and knew he’d have my back….

For a second I felt we were right back where we started….
Right under the tambarind tree, when the day ended…..
I flashback to that first time love, such care…..
Without a doubt, I reassured myself I was gonna bring that back…..

No more fights I told myself…..
No more stress over things that can’t be helped…..
I got all the love I needed right before my eyes…..
It was the same love from simpler times…..
It just lost its way and I know it was glad to be back…..

Hand and foot I promised myself and him in my heart…..
Just like the old days we’ll never be apart…..
I lost my muchness for a tat…..
But by God’s grace, I got it back….

I had a flashback on the old me, fighting for sides….314667_10150875828965442_659250831_n
Refusing to sleep in my own sheets…..
Loving how his voice trailed when we both fell asleep……
and so as an introduction, I gave him my promise…..

I licked and sucked and rubbed…..
I treated him like the King he is…..
I kissed and pinned his back to the sheets….
Made him relax while I made of him, a feast…..

Enthralled in every ounce of pleasure…..
I gave him what he liked best, me as his rider……
All inhibitions aside, all insecurities behind……
I rode to my heart’s content….
Caught his rhythm and rode until he was spent…..

Then I dressed him just like the many first times…..
Fed him crystal liquid to his parchness was quenched….
Turned down the lyrics to the talent I wish I could soothe him with…..
Watched in the candlelight as his eyes fought their last fight……

And in a long time, things were as they were…..
Perfect and tender…..
I will get my rest, knowing tomorrow will be another wonder…….

Balance….

Every time I think about my family and friends I think about the moment we came home with our child. How, in our moments of need those who offered even a single text were so appreciated. Also, how funny it is that those who did aren’t related. It’s easy for people to be there for you in dire straits,  because once they have a heart they will feel prompted to help you fix your reality. These are the people you let celebrate with you during your amazing moments. I recently partied with a 60 year old man who curse, drinks, works hard and fucks like crazy. I said to my husband, he hasn’t for one moment since I’ve known him not live his life. We have learned a lot from him and have preemptively made sure we brought an appropriate crowd around him. This crowd I noticed are people who just like him, and us, have absolutely one goal in life and that’s to live like your being paid to have fun! We gradually aligned ourselves with people of this nature. This gradually caused a lot of others to move in another direction from us.

We. Have. Never. Regretted. This.

I learned very quickly after giving birth, that you are only as strong as the people you surround yourself with. You are undoubtedly, your friends/peers. You will find an attitude and sometimes a change in your belief around some people, then later wonder why the hell did I do/say that. I really don’t do/like that kind of thing, you might think. In this moment u realize the weeds in your life. They change you for the worse because they are pulling you very far away from being yourself. Govern your life, be true to yourself and let those who cannot handle the charge, fall right off. There is never any shame in really liking a second slice of cake in a room full of nazi dieters. Fuck! Why was cake there anyway! Balance your life, by balancing those who have a say in it.

Nam.Aste

No Infant Loss Awareness

I just had the worse conversation about infant loss with someone’s husband. It ended with me taking 2 shots of Brandy just to numb my own pain; empathetic though they may be. I get it, men would never understand completely. I imagine being married to one that classifies the pains as ‘those emotions’ and saying they can’t deal with it, as the most difficult thing. Regardless, if the loss was with them or not. Worse when they aren’t open to working towards having a child and saying I declared that from before. Yes, we all get caught up in our ideas and hopes that things will pan out but how detrimental and stuck this woman must feel. Realizing, who should be her spouse for a lifetime is completely dismissive. Why didn’t she make a better choice for herself? So many emotions and compassion for another human being has completely fell off the grid in this relationship. Even sadder is that, It’s a very young marriage and honestly should have been a case of ‘you aren’t what I need, so I will appreciate you from a far, while I find someone on the very same page as me’.  I had to get my feelings out, and so I sat in the dark and typed away. No idea what I would write, fucking with the font I just knew I had to flesh things out. It’s probably the worst time for me to have discussion like this when my own life and emotions are in whirlwind. However, I felt so at a loss and hurt, I was holding my child during this conversation, watching him take little breaths as he napped on my chest and I just sank deeper and deeper into a weakness that is so familiar to me, that I couldn’t stop my emotions. I don’t know if its selfishness or just the genetic make-up of this individual but the scourge that came to the frontal lobe! Thoughts that I held back, that I wanted to lash on him just couldn’t be put in words…just mental pictures. Zero moral compass. Zero respect for life and death.

In the Christmas Special episode of Call the Midwives Series 1, I felt for Mrs. Jenkins so bad. When Nurse Lee brought her to the cemetery to visit her children she lost while working in a workhouse, I lost it when her head fell as she kneeled on one of the graves. I’m not religious or spiritual but I wanted to pray and meditate for the heart of this man. I wanted to sit in silence for a few hours and channel loads of good energy his way, in the hopes that it would strike even the smallest living nerve that would trigger a mustard seed size of care. His flippant nature toward this issue in someone who should be so import to him scared me, what else can a person like this be capable of. How dead is he, and what torture did he endure in his life to be so desensitized.  Infant loss, no matter how far along or the circumstance is ugly and hard and miserable and torturing and confusing and guilt ridden; an open wound with absolutely no chance of closure. It’s a moment that brings you to your knees in the heights of what should be one of the most joyous times in your life. A tumultuous war of emotions with yourself, and your child and with your partner, yourself and your child. It’s that look on people’s faces every time they see you and remember and how they dance around the subject because it’s too sensitive when you want to scream about it. It’s that nagging feeling every time you see the innocence, pureness and beauty of a newborn babe, safely coddled by doting parents. It’s the replaying of that moment you had with your own who just should not have left; but sadly did too soon. And finally, the forced smile when others unbeknownst inquire about your own offspring and you shyly conjure up a pacifying answer. I felt mortified so much more knowing that October is infant loss awareness month. I just can’t imagine, what is the use of a spouse one can’t lean on?