This is a flashback post that was written on September 21, 2014.
As my 1st trimester comes to an end, I wanted to provide insight on these world wind days and nights. I first and foremost must thank my support system and even though those one too many ‘how are you feeling today?’ drives me nuts, I absolutely feel loved and cared for. Most importantly, I allow others to ask, then I go into the gruesome details and just lay it all on them.
There have been days where I just wanted to sit still for the remaining months. Just, sit, midst a million pillows under a fountain of water and let the cool mist wash my body. The mere fact that I can’t feel my child is enough torture, yet every visit, my doctor informs me of new information. These moments we absolutely live for.
I never imagined myself to be frumpy looking, but during this time, I dreaded combing my hair (also delayed washing it for as long as I could), my legs, privates, arms and eyebrows were overgrown. I felt like I stunk, and some days I did when my deodorant dispersed on those more hectic days. I tried to stay optimistic. I tried to think positive and thought I was doing a great job until a dear friend asked me to not hate life right now. I decided in that moment to deal with my sadness in silence, I became more reserved and this led me to realize that I was stealing joy from those around me.
We have waiting 7 long years for this moment and there is no way I could be ungrateful. There is also no way we could handle any negativity in these precious times and so we shared this news with a chosen few. These chosen few have been my strength, without them even knowing it. There was always something they were looking forward to, or jokes at my expense around the things I will be going through and will no longer be able to do. Let’s not talk about how daddy always seems to get off Scott free!
I am anticipating a lot of things during this journey, mainly the most popular stuff. I did not anticipate the fatigue. The hunger. The constipation, gas, cramps or nausea. I’ve been blessed to have missed the vomiting, but I believe the early morning restlessness makes up for this. No one speaks on how not fun being pregnant is. My innards have been thrown for a loop and every time I think I’m getting the hang of things, something new pops up. The fatigue has caused me to feel useless and depressed at how little I can do in my life right now, for myself and my family. The hunger hits at the worst and most random times. This has been the most powerful issue, as when it hits, you literally feel like your stomach is being mauled by gastric juices. There is also the fact that everyone tells you what and how much to eat, but you genuinely cannot get your mouth open to eat a bit of it. So, you give in, to the fried greasy goodness, even at 3am!
Thankfully the constipation does not hurt, there is more a feeling of heaviness that you are dragging around, and when you finally go; you feel like a new woman! The gas has the very same effect, with each one you let free, a few pounds get lifted off your shoulder. Cramps have been mild but very concerning. The nausea however is that monkey on your back! It keeps you up, it wakes you up and it makes you absolutely positively miserable! Hot water and lemon/lime has been nice, but as with everything else you get tired of the site of another frickin lime/lemon!
If you are a working mom, you have an added torture. The minimal weight gain is understandable, but the rapid speed at how nothing fits and feels tight is not. You cannot even suck your stomach in without the sensation that you are about to gag. I’ve worn elastic bands around the buttons and button holes of my jeans and have improvised with dresses and sweaters. The added torture is your growing bump not quite fitting comfortably under your desk and as such pushes you away from your work station. Finally, those co-workers that drop hints and make weight–related comments you fight so desperately not to fall asleep around; that fatigue will give you away!
All in all, I’ve been blessed with a loving husband, who has asked me to just sit still so he can take care of his babies. I tried to put up a fight, but have been reduced to sitting still for a couple of hours waiting for these first trimester gifts to pass. I could not do this without him and even though I was being strong headed, he has been so right in letting me know, I just can’t handle certain things right now. This is far from what I live to hear about myself, but is a very honest experience that comes with this trimester. Though you try with all your might, making a stop on the way home, waking up to pee, trying to find something that fits, picking things out of your now expanding navel and simple thinking of leaving your house is just something you can’t handle right now, especially all at once! Somehow though, we make it happen and that, that my loves, is the one piece of strength that lets you know, you will be able to do this.