This post was written September 20th, 2012, however I have decided to do a flashback post just to show where we were then…
It is always an amazing feeling when you google something affecting you and you find a wealth of information on how to handle, get over and resolve or just down right live it whatever it is your going through. That’s how I felt today when for the millionth time I googled PCOS-Polycystic ovary syndrome. This is a condition in which a woman has an imbalance of female sex hormones and as such may lead to menstrual cycle changes, cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant and other health changes. Today, I read through this forum here and this blog entry here and have pored over many other forums and updates about this incessant issue. I almost always feel a kindred spirit among these women and is always comforted by their successes and hope; it often feels something like a digital Kumbah yah!
My husband and I have been married for a while now, and have settled into ourselves and have become more in sync in almost every way. We’re at that stage in our marriage where plans are being made and futures are being determined. Goals are allocated and some dreams are already being pursued. However, through it all, there is a constant guilt that seeps in. Often times I’ve had beautiful thoughts about our offsprings and whenever we do discuss them, he almost always finds a way to break that ‘let’s go make a baby’ line; and it never fails to feel like a dagger. *sigh*. All I can do is give a sheepish smile and report for this ‘exchange’, yet constantly thinking it’s just a waste of time. I’ve asked myself so many times, why am I being punished?! Now while I have never been jealous or wished ill on another’s womb, I can’t help but be selfish and wonder what was so great about others! More so when I encounter terrible mothers! I have driven myself crazy (and made it back for dinner!) thinking about what a great gift a child would be for such a wonderful man, except it won’t be so easy!
I recently lived vicariously through a friend of mine with PCOS who is about to have her first child and while it was all insightful, it was all a very big turn off! Gestational diabetes, insulin 3 times a day, bed rest for over 4 months, cervix stapled (cerclage), plus all the standard things a pregnancy brings! Now while I know every situation is different, it can also be worse. I often think back to when I was diagnosed at 18 but went oblivious that this may actually have a real effect on my life. This came ot pass early this year when I had a period on and off for 3 months, then bled for almost 3 months. I had sleep apnea, 2 cysts on my ovaries and was overweight. On birth control I go! While I am ready and willing to do what it takes, I often wonder how it will be when we decide to really procreate. What will it mean for us a middle-income family that we will need special meds/treatment in order to conceive? How flexible will trying be and will I have to watch when I ovulate or shoot up to get the wires sparking? What’s the worst that will happen? And most importantly, what if we just don’t make it? Sheer disappointment is heart wrenching and I hope to be spared!
At the end of the day, I resort to the internet and the gods have been gracious enough to provide many wonderful experiences for me to look up to and until it is my time, I’ll keep wondering but for now I’ll stop worrying. You should too! (We’re all here for yah!) Now, if I could get the world to stop asking when we’re going to have a baby! *Ah bliss*