Oh Baby!

This post was written September 20th, 2012, however I have decided to do a flashback post just to show where we were then…

pic2

It is always an amazing feeling when you google something affecting you and you find a wealth of information on how to handle, get over and resolve or just down right live it whatever it is your going through. That’s how I felt today when for the millionth time I googled PCOS-Polycystic ovary syndrome. This is a condition in which a woman has an imbalance of female sex hormones and as such may lead to menstrual cycle changes, cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant and other health changes. Today, I read through this forum here and this blog entry here and have pored over many other forums and updates about this incessant issue. I almost always feel a kindred spirit among these women and is always comforted by their successes and hope; it often feels something like a digital Kumbah yah!

My husband and I have been married for a while now, and have settled into ourselves and have become more in sync in almost every way. We’re at that stage in our marriage where plans are being made and futures are being determined. Goals are allocated and some dreams are already being pursued. However, through it all, there is a constant guilt that seeps in. Often times I’ve had beautiful thoughts about our offsprings and whenever we do discuss them, he almost always finds a way to break that ‘let’s go make a baby’ line; and it never fails to feel like a dagger. *sigh*. All I can do is give a sheepish smile and report for this ‘exchange’, yet constantly thinking it’s just a waste of time. I’ve asked myself so many times, why am I being punished?! Now while I have never been jealous or wished ill on another’s womb, I can’t help but be selfish and wonder what was so great about others! More so when I encounter terrible mothers! I have driven myself crazy (and made it back for dinner!) thinking about what a great gift a child would be for such a wonderful man, except it won’t be so easy!

I recently lived vicariously through a friend of mine with PCOS who is about to have her first child and while it was all insightful, it was all a very big turn off! Gestational diabetes, insulin 3 times a day, bed rest for over 4 months, cervix stapled (cerclage), plus all the standard things a pregnancy brings! Now while I know every situation is different, it can also be worse. I often think back to when I was diagnosed at 18 but went oblivious that this may actually have a real effect on my life. This came ot pass early this year when I had a period on and off for 3 months, then bled for almost 3 months. I had sleep apnea, 2 cysts on my ovaries and was overweight. On birth control I go! While I am ready and willing to do what it takes, I often wonder how it will be when we decide to really procreate. What will it mean for us a middle-income family that we will need special meds/treatment in order to conceive? How flexible will trying be and will I have to watch when I ovulate or shoot up to get the wires sparking? What’s the worst that will happen? And most importantly, what if we just don’t make it? Sheer disappointment is heart wrenching and I hope to be spared!

At the end of the day, I resort to the internet and the gods have been gracious enough to provide many wonderful experiences for me to look up to and until it is my time, I’ll keep wondering but for now I’ll stop worrying. You should too! (We’re all here for yah!) Now, if I could get the world to stop asking when we’re going to have a baby! *Ah bliss*

Marriage 101: Part 1 of 2

032 - Copy_edited-2PEARLS and tulle, ivory vs white conversations, ascots or bow ties and cumberbands, weird uncles and boisterous aunts, destination vs. cathedral, burnt veil pre-ceremony, new family, infectious smiles,  DJ losing your first dance song, perfectly chilled champagne, drunk guests and embarrassing childhood jokes that go on for miles and miles and…! What a beautiful horrific day that was! I’m sure you will all agree and I’m sure you would do it all over again! I would and all it would take is his winning smile *swoons*.

Against popular belief, we didn’t indulge in coitus that night as we were way too tired! To this day I still believe that was the first thing we did wrong! Hell! Who doesn’t want him to lift that dress up and you know…. I did dwell on this for a while. However, I was keen to being persuaded that it wasn’t to be taken as a form of doom; especially since the decision was mutual!  There were other things we didn’t excel at, purely out of lack of knowledge and resources (mainly information). As such my aim today is to give a little insight! First and foremost, all relationships are different from yours. We are a very private and secluded couple. I wouldn’t say we are anti-social but we look to each other first, for everything and I mean everything! This is a key take away.

Now on to my list!

5 things we didn’t do well:

-Set clear financial goals and realistic allowances based on things we liked: This means we basically went with the wind and in all honestly we didn’t develop a budget until way after our 1st year of marriage and still didn’t develop a PRACTICAL and HONEST (realistic allowances) budget until close to our 3rd year. BUDGET! BUDGET! BUDGET and budget honestly! He loves watches and I needed to work on my shoe game and so we put that in (when the budget allowed)!

-Set clear savings goals and decide where to put OUR money: Basically every month something must be added to the ‘honeypot’. Even if its $5.00! Deciding where to put your money is very huge! Do your research, we saved with a free bank but the interest wasn’t so great, so we decided to open a fixed savings account with a better rate. We save in different places too, mainly because we can’t have over a certain amount with TSFAs but the experts also advised on this.

-Fought too hard to go against myths: ie. Sex, boredom, misery and people involved. In no time we were exhausted and couldn’t recognize ourselves, so we decided to stop trying to beat the odds. We decided to just let our relationship flow and we couldn’t have been happier! Let go of the stereotypes and live each day as it comes.

-Not learn how to argue effectively: picture this, one person screaming at the top of their lungs and the other just sitting there staring blankly…then we wait for things to blow over. Not good!  Until we learned to argue, now it’s more of a ‘you speak then I speak’, we make a decision and move on together. At times it’s a give me some time to get over this type of thing and we both respect that, but we learned to listen and voice our individual opinions, accept them and agree on a solution! We also learned that at times we would have to do things individually and this is where I believe it’s perfectly ok to utilize our friends.

-Not have a plan: At all. For anything or to do anything.  Make a 5 year plan and hold each other accountable. Stick to it and execute!

Did you notice that 2 out of 3 of these things are about MONEY? That’s because it will make or break a young marriage more than it ever will an established one. Declare all assets and debts (if not done before) honestly. Plan how to distribute money and agree on what to do with whose money!  TOGETHER!